JackiePearl's+Novella


 * Chapter one-** **Fiona:** I know I haven’t been the best mom. I always dreamed of having a family… but when the time came my dream was only a dream and not reality. I am a single mom struggling to make it through myself. I have four kids who I love with all my heart but I need help. I left without any notice leaving everything behind me. Ever since my husband left me I have become out of control coming home late at night, not restocking the refrigerator, and living off TV and a bottle of rum. I know I am being immature but it is hard for me. I had the perfect life with my husband planned out and then he left me. I am only making it worse for my kids and I know that they are embarrassed to be around me, and as a matter of fact, I don’t blame them. Eventually I will get help, but I don’t want my kids seeing me in a rehab center because that will only make them more embarrassed. So what I left behind is a note. It does not say where I am going and I don’t want my kids to know where I am going. I will come back when I am ready…


 * Chapter Two- Lilly:** I go into my room right after I had a fight with my boyfriend. I just need to be alone right now. When I glance on the floor I see a note titled: For Lilly. I wonder what the hell this is doing here and I sit on my bed and open it. This is strange; the letter does not say whom it is from so I start to read it out loud.

“Dear Lilly, I left… I just couldn’t stay. Everyone is better off without me, your dad, my friends, and especially you, Gillian, Toby, and Matt. You are a better influence then I could ever be. Wherever I went I would do no good, only embarrass you. I always thought that I would be a good parent, but sadly I was not. This is the cold truth. When your dad left me I felt lost and I was never able to find myself. I left because I need time to do this. You’re my oldest child and I thought that you would understand the most.” I stop reading this letter and could feel the tears streaming down my face. I don’t understand. I don’t want her to be gone. She is my mom and not everyone is perfect. I continued reading the letter wanting to get it over with,

“I want you to explain to Matt and hold him for me. I want you to guide Gillian and help her find her way. And Toby… I know that he tries to hide his emotions but he will be the most upset. Talk to him. Tell him I will come back once I get better. I am going to take some time alone and then when I am less scared, I am going to go to a rehab center. I need to get better.” I stop reading again. Now the tears were pouring down my face. Is it my fault? I was always embarrassed when she went anywhere with me and tried to not know her. But now that she is gone, I wish that she were here. I promise I would not be embarrassed anymore. I think over this in my head. But I also think over the fact that it is unfair. She does not have a right to just leave her children in the responsibility of me. I would not say I am that much more responsible then her.


 * Chapter three- Toby:** I am driving Jake home from soccer practice wondering why soccer practice was extra brutal today. The car ride is silent except for the music that I am blasting from the stereo, Eminem’s new album. We pull up to Jake’s house and as he gets out he says, “don’t forget that tomorrow night we have dates with Vanessa and Lauren, the two prettiest girls in our grade.”

“I won’t forget! Cya.”

“Peace.”

I pull out of his driveway. I am actually not that excited about our dates. I had been hooking up with a girl for a month but was mad at her for ditching me last weekend. I just do not want to be in a relationship right now, but I think that is what she wants. Girls suck. I pulled into my driveway, turn off the ignition and walk into the house. It is quiet in the house tonight. This is unusual. As I walk to my room on the third floor I can hear tears from Lilly’s room. What a drama queen, probably crying because her and Jeff got into a fight. Typical.


 * Chapter Four- Lilly:** I start thinking about what life will be without parents. In some ways it is good because now we have no supervision. But I mean, we never even had supervision with mom around. I finish reading the letter,

“I am not going to tell you where this rehab center is because I don’t want you to see me like this. I have damaged this family and I only want to come back when I know I am ready to fix it. This might be when you are at college or before that. I know everyone might take this harshly, and I mean who am I to leave. I can’t promise that everything is going to be okay, but I sure wish for this. There is one more thing I need to mention in this letter. I am telling you that I have sent for Aunt Carrie to take care of you. She is responsible and I know she will be helpful to have around. She is going to call you later and start bringing her stuff over to our house. By next week she will be living in my room acting as a mother image. I love you Lilly. I am going to miss you and Gillian, Toby, and Matt. Always remember that I am thinking about all my kids, wishing for the best.” I am done reading this horrible letter and I don’t know what to do. Should I burn it and act like I don’t know where mom went or should I talk to my three younger siblings.

**Chapter Five- Gillian:** When I get home from soccer practice I go start my homework because I got a lot tonight. After I have completed my physics homework and math homework I go to my sister's room. It is strange because she has not come out for the whole time that I have been home. Usually when I get home, I find her in the kitchen making some dinner or in the study room. She hates being in her room. I knock on the door and there is no answer so I turn the knob and open the door. When I go inside I see my sister on the bed with her head in a pillow. She doesn't flinch when I walk over to her and sit next to her. "Are you okay Lilly?"

No answer.

Then I turn my attention to a crumpled up paper on the floor. I get off the bed and pick it up. I start reading: “Dear Lilly, I left… I just couldn’t stay. Everyone is better off without me, your dad, my friends, and especially you, Gillian, Toby, and Matt. You are a better influence then I could ever be. Wherever I went I would do no good, only embarrass you. I always thought that I would be a good parent, but sadly I was not.”

I stop.

"What is this Lilly? How could she do this?"
I hate her. I hate everything about her. What is best for her is to stay and take care of her kids. What is best for her is to go to rehab right away.

"I know," I hear my sister quietly whimper.

She turns over and looks at me and her eyes are bright red and her face is puffy from crying. I go into hug her wishing we were like this all the time, wishing I could talk to her about anything. We laid there for a while hugging each other...

I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock playing Low by Akon. What a great way to start the day. I hate this song. I go into the bathroom and get my toothbrush. I start brushing my teeth and walk upstairs to the third floor so see if mom is around. There is no sign of her. She was not in last night and when I look into her room, I can tell the bed was not slept in. I walk back downstairs and go into Lilly's room. When I open the door I see Lilly and Gillian snuggling on the bed. Wow, this is unusual. What the hell is going on? First off Mom did not come home and second off Lilly is usually mean to Gillian.
 * Chapter Six- Toby ** : "She got them apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur (with the fur), the whole club was looking at her."
 * Chapter seven- Lilly: ** "I fucking hate you Toby. You are such an ass hole."

I take my blanket and try to dry my face of the water that was poured directly on it. All I can see from the corner of my eye is my brother laughing so hard and my sister getting out of my bed. My brother intentionally poured all the water on me and none on my sister. I got to admit he was a little funny to do this, but I just was not in the mood this morning. I am late to school and in a crappy mood from my mom leaving. Toby doesn't even know.

I quickly eat my honey nut cheerios and then get into the car and turn the ignition on. Gillian opens the door next to me, gets into the seat, and starts fixing her hair. I don't know what to say to her and to be honest I haven't had a good conversation with her for a month. We used to be really close and would talk about anything and everything. Just something that she did really upset me...

"Hey," I say.
 * Chapter Eight- Toby: ** I have huge history test coming up after lunch and even though I studied for a while the night before, I wanted to study a little bit more. I go to the library and pull out my history notes. I see Vanessa sitting at the table next to me also studying for history. We are in the same class. I pick up my stuff and move next to her.

"Hii. Studying for history?"

"Yeah, I need to do well on this test and I didn't study that much last night." This is a lie, but it doesn't sound cool if I say that I studied a ton the night before.

"Yeah same here." She goes back to looking at her notes.

Tonight I am going on a double date with Vanessa and Lauren. But I only like Lauren as a friend and I am pretty sure Vanessa is going with Jake. She smiles at me and then looks back at her history notes. She is so pretty and also has good style. Today she is wearing white-cropped jean shorts and a rugby shirt. I am really into the preppy girls. I stop admiring Vanessa and go back to looking at my notes and reciting dates in my head. I better do well on this test. When Lunch is almost over I walk to class with her. To be honest I am not that good with girls. I have never been in a long-term relationship and am a little shy. But right now we are holding up a pretty good conversation, "You excited for tonight," I say.

"Yeah, a little bit. I am not really interested in Jake though. Are you?"

"I guess a little bit. I don't really know Lauren that well though so it might be a little bit awkward."

"Do you maybe want to go watch a movie instead? Or get something to eat?"

I am a little bit caught off guard, but excited at the same time. Most girls wait for the guy to ask them to hang out. I am also not really in the mood to go out and drink so I agree. We get to the class and I go to my seat in the back. She sits in the front and after she has sat down, she looks back and smiles at me. God, I am excited for tonight.

Once I was home, I pulled into the driveway and walked up our walkway. Then I found my key in my bag and opened the door. No sign of Logan, so I figured he was in my room. I walked up the stairs and went into my room. No one was there. Maybe he didn't come after all. I walked towards Gillian's room to see what she was up too. When I opened the door I saw her on top of Logan hooking up with him.
 * Chapter Nine- Lilly: ** About a month ago I told my boyfriend Logan to come over. I was on my way back from babysitting and was running a little bit late because I stopped to get something to eat. He had been at a party earlier that night and was really drunk, but I didn't know this. My sister had been home that night and when Logan got there she went to greet him.

"What the fuck is going on here???" I stormed out of the room and could hear Logan yelling my name from behind me. He started running towards me when he tripped and passed out.

"I'm... I'm really sorry Lilly. We... we just came upstairs to talk and then... then he was coming into kiss me."

"And you didn't back away? You just let him kiss you? Clearly he is drunk out of his mind... but you... you don't have an excuse."

"I swear I didn't mean too. It happened so quickly and I'm sorry. Everyone makes mistakes."

"With their sister's boyfriend?? Gillian explain this to me because frankly I don't understand. And just so you know, our relationship is dead to me."

"No. Please talk to me Lilly. Please just hear me out..."

At this point I was walking towards my passed out boyfriend and picking him up to bring him to my bed. I texted his mom and said, "I am staying at Josh's tonight. Love you." Then I went into my mom’s room to wait until she got home. At one o'clock I heard the door creak open from downstairs and heard footsteps walk up to the third floor. When I saw my mom I went over and hugged her. My eyes were red from crying so much.

"Honey, what is the matter?"

"I really don't want to talk about it mom," I said my mom starting to ball my eyes out again. "I want you to know you can talk about anything to me."

"I j-u-s-t, can I sleep in your room tonight?"

"Of course."

My mom gets into the bed and I go next to hear with my head on her shoulder. I can smell her Lavender perfume that she always wears and suddenly I fall asleep. It was the one night that I felt safe because my mom was next to me...

The next morning when I woke up my mom was gone. She probably was at work and getting coffee in town. I went downstairs to find my boyfriend sitting up in my bed. He was crying. I had never seen this before. When he saw me he covered his face and wiped off his eyes.

"I'm really sorry Lilly. I really don't remember much except that I came here wanting to see you and then your sister came to greet me. She told me to come wait in her room and then a minute later she was on... she was on top of me. Then I tried to push her off and she wouldn't go, so I just stopped kissing her. I'm sorry. I love you.” Logan occasionally said these words, but it was rare. I knew that it was an accident. I went over to him and kissed him. Kissed him hard. I love him. I need him. We went onto our bed and when I looked to make sure the door was open, I could see Gillian walking by. When she saw that the door was open she closed it. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to associate with her. What I had told her was true. She was dead to me.


 * Chapter 10- Gillian: ** Two more classes left. This day has been going by way to slow and I haven't seen my best friend Maddy yet. I need to talk to her. I want to tell her that my mom left and that I miss her but I have no idea where is. She wasn't in Spanish this morning and now I am going to math. Maybe she will be here because I have this class with her. When I walk in I see her. I walk over to her and I say,

"Where were you this morning?"

"I had a dentist appointment. Why?"

"Oh I was wondering. My mom left. She left a note."

"Oh my god!!! Gillian are you ok??"

"Class quiet down. We are starting the new lesson," Mrs. Stein says.

I can feel myself holding back the tears. I have been trying so hard to fight them all day. I don't even notice when Justin comes and sits next to me. Justin is the guy that is really cute and nice who has had a crush on me for a while. I have always been a good friend with him, but it is hard for me to think of him as more then a friend.I can feel him gently touch my shoulder,

“Are you ok Gillian?” he whispers.

I don’t answer. Instead I shake my head.

I can hear Mrs. Stein talking about graphing inequalities. I should be listening. This year’s math has been hard, but I have been doing well. I need to distract myself. I need to pay attention. But still, all I can think about is why my mom would do this. This question is wringing in my head and won’t stop. I miss her. I want to talk to her, but there is no way I can. This time I can feel the tears coming, but there is no way I can stop them. I quickly cover my face and walk out of the classroom.

I walk up towards the wall and face it when I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Gillian, what is the matter? Obviously something is wrong because you walked out of the class covering your face,” Mrs. Stein says.

“I’m sorry. I don’t really want to talk about it, I just don’t think I can sit through math class right now.”

“That’s ok. Will you come before school tomorrow to make up the lesson and read the chapter tonight?” “Yeah I will. Thanks.”

I take my phone out of my pocket and text my sister saying: NEED to talk. I know it’s your free block and I left math class early. I hope that she answers and forgives me for what I have done in the past. I never really talked to her about what happened with her boyfriend, but maybe now was the time to do that.


 * Chapter 11- Lilly:** I look at the text that my sister just sent me and say: “sure, meet me in front of the school.” I walk to the front and see her sitting on a bench.

“Hey,” I say dryly.

“Hi. I’m sorry; I just need to talk to someone. I’m sorry about everything Lilly. I should not have hit on your boyfriend that night and I, I just feel really bad. But this situation with mom is out of hand. This is what is upsetting me the most. I can barely concentrate in class because all I can think about is what is going to happen or where she is. And we used to be so close, and I just wish that it could be that way again.”

“I forgave you for what happened with Logan a while ago. And it is not all your fault. I know what he is like when he is drunk. He tries to get with any girl he sees. That is why I don’t like him to drink.”

“I’m just talking about this know because I knew how mad you were at me after it happened. But I want you to know he was the one who came onto me at first. And yes, it was not right of me to allow this, but for some reason I did. But after I did it and realized what I had done, I felt so bad!”

“It’s fine Gillian. I just was angry at you and that is understandable, but I missed talking to you because we were so close before. But this thing with mom, it is not ok.”

“Yeah I know. And who is going to take care of us?”

“She said in the letter that Aunt Carrie is taking care of us. I haven’t seen her in years. Also, I think that we should tell Toby together. He is going to be really upset.”

I start to cry again and my sister hugs me. If she wanted to leave she should have told us before. And who is she to say that she has to go find herself? What parent would do that and just leave? I guess my mom would.

“Its ok. I love you. We can get through this,” I hear myself saying. I am not even sure if I mean this. I look up from hugging my sister and see Logan coming across the street towards us. I let go of her and wave. Ever since the incident happened with Logan and Gillian she always tries to ignore him and hide herself, but she can’t do that now. It is too late because he is already standing next to us.

“Hey… are you guys ok?” He says.

Gillian doesn’t answer, instead she says, “I better get to class. I will see later tonight Lilly.” She picks her bag up and heads back towards the building. “I think that your sister hates me,” Logan says.

“No I don’t think she hates you, I just think that she is freaked out about what happened the last time you guys were together. But lets not get into that subject.”

“Yeah I agree. Has your mom called to explain herself?”

“Nope. And I don’t think that she is going to call. How the hell does she think that I am more mature then her? It doesn’t make any sense. The letter said that…”

“Lets not talk about it,” he says stopping me midsentence. Lets do something fun tonight to take your mind off it. Want to come over later? My parents are out and I can make dinner for you and then we can watch a movie.”

“Really Logan? You expect me to stop thinking about this. My mom just left. Do you get that?” I am taking my anger out on Logan, and I know that it isn’t fair, but I am not ok right now.

“Alright what ever Lilly. I will see you later if you end up coming over.”

Before I could say anything else he was walking away from me back towards the school. I think about how rude I was being and then decide I am going to make special brownies after school and go over to his house later. I walk back inside the school so that I won’t be late for English.


 * Chapter 12- Toby:** I just finished soccer practice and I am driving Jake home when I tell him the plan for later.

“So I was talking to Vanessa earlier in the library and she doesn’t want to do the double date thing so I’m just going to go out and eat with her instead.” “You’re a dusch. You made plans with me and I was going to go with Vanessa.”

“I’m sorry. She asked me to hangout with her instead. And she told me that Lauren is really interested in you, and not in me.”

“So what should I do, should I have Lauren over?”

“Yeah, text her right now and just ask her to hangout. Maybe after I go out to eat with Vanessa all of you guys can come over? Does that sound good?”

“Yeah. But want to hang out right now and play my new Xbox live?”

“Lets play FIFA!”

“My house or yours,” Jake says.

“Mine.”

When we pull into my driveway and walk into the kitchen. I say hi to my sisters and Jake smacks Gillian on the but as he passes by her. He is in love with Gillain. I get so annoyed though because when ever he comes over he hits on her.

“Jake what the hell,” I hear her say.

“Just saying hello,” Jake says winking at her.

“Well you could have ‘just said hello’ instead of smacking my but. Guess you are keeping up with your great manners.”

“Guess so,” he says as her starts walking up the stairs.

When we are out of the room with her I say, “Stop flirting with my sister. You do all the time.”

“Sorry, she is so pretty. But Lilly, she is even more of a goddess.”

We both start laughing, but I know that it is true. Both my sisters are really pretty and known in our school. I turn on the game and wait for it to turn on. When I look at my phone I see that I have a new message: “Heyy… Are we still hanging out later?”

I respond and say: “yeah, want to come over at 7 and we can either make dinner or go out?” She responds right after and says: “sounds good. See you then J .” “Stop flirting with Vanessa and let me kick your ass in FIFA.”

“In your dreams.”


 * Chapter 13- Gillian:** When I was in the middle of watching salt I could smell brownies. When I got up and walked towards the kitchen, I realized I smelled a mixture of brownies and weed. It reeked.

“Are you making pot brownies?” I ask my sister.

“Yeah I told Jake I would make him special brownies because I got mad at him earlier. Want to help?”

“Uhm sure. But can I have one after then?”

“No Gillian you can't. I didn't know that you smoked."

"I don't. But i want to try it at one point."

"Well that is not happening today. Mom told me she wanted me to be a good influence and by me giving you a pot brownie, I am not being a good influence."

"Well mom was not a good influence herself. Remember in the summer how there was that block party down the street and mom came an hour late and was drunk out of her mind."

"That was so embarassing."

"Yeah I know," I said, clearly remembering the memory...

A year ago our neighbors threw a block party and invited our family feeling as though they had too. The people on our street are really close and then comes my family. We are out of the loop. I was excited about going to this block party and me and my sister made cupcakes with vanilla frosting. We went with our brother on time, and an hour later my mom showed up. I went over to see her when she got there and she smelled of weed and alcohol.

"Mom come home with me. Why would you do this? Why would you come?" I said in a cold voice.

"Are... Are you trying to say you don't love me. Huh? Is that what you are saying?" She said screaming and when i turned around, everyone was staring at me. I was so embarrassed. A second later Toby and Lilly were at my side picking up my who was on the floor crying and muttering:

"No one likes me. I should just leave. All I ever do is hurt you guys. But you neighbors. You guys have... you guys have been so damn rude to me since the moment my family moved into the house. All I have ever received from any of you is the cold shoulder."

I heard myself try to shut up up and I said, "All that you ever do for your own family mom is embarrass them. And don't let me forget that you always put me down. I was waiting for you here tonight to come sober, but instead you come drunk out of you mind on who knows what drugs. Lets bring you home."

Our whole family walked out of the door without saying goodbye. I knew that we were never going to be invited to a block party again...


 * Chapter 14: Lilly-** I rang Logan's doorbell waiting for him to come to the door. I never told him I was coming but I wanted to apologize for freaking out earlier and I wanted to give him the special brownies that I had made him. The door opened and I see a random girl standing there. She is wearing what looks to be one of Logan's t-shirts and short shorts.

"Uhm Hi?" She says.

"Where is Logan?"

"He is in his room, want me to go get him for you?" She says with a smirk on her face.

I don't answer. Instead I push past her and walk upstairs, then down the hallway to his room. The door is shut so I open it and see him standing up facing the window. He isn't wearing a shirt and when he turns around he seems happy to see me and says:

"Hey Lilly. I'm glad that you ended up coming over."

"Why is there are random girl downstairs who is wearing YOUR shirt?"

"Oh that is Angela and we were working on an english project."

"And what kind of project are you working on where it is necessary to trade pieces of clothing. Want to explain yourself Logan?"

"First off that is not my shirt. Second off we were working on a history project. I can show it to you if you want. And lastly, she went downstairs so that I could change."

"Okay, I am sorry for assuming things. I have had a bad day and was excited to come over and see you."

"Yeah I am glad your here too. Lets go say bye to Angela and then eat dinner."

We walk downstairs and see Angela standing near the doorway. He gives her the history project.

"Thanks. I will see you later Logan," she says in a flirty tone.

"Bye Angela," Logan says taking my hand.

Then she was out the door. We walked into the kitchen and he started to boil some pasta. Logan is such a good cook. He always surprises me with what he is going to make. My favorite dish of his is pasta with alfedo and chicken. I hope that he is making this tonight.

"She clearly has a crush on you Logan."

"And if she does is there anything I can do. I have told her several times that I have a girlfriend."

"Well just make it clear next time because she seems to have it in mind that you don't. Anyways I made special brownies!"

"You get jealous so easily."

This made me upset that he said this, but it is true. I do. Every since the incident with my sister happened Logan never completely gained my trust back. I always get scared that he is cheating on me and is not being trustworthy.

"Yeah I do. Do you want to get into the reason why right now?" I said showing I am upset that he just said this.

"No I don't. What kind of special brownies are they?"

"It's a surprise. I know you will like them though."

"Well I can't wait to have them. They do look a little funky though."

"We can play to guessing game and you can try to get what is in them?"

"Gummy worms?"

"Nope, guess again," I said smiling.

"M & M's? Cookie dough? Any kind of candy?"

For all of these I just shook my head. He went to check on what was baking in the oven and then put the pasta in the boiling water.

"You're killing me. Just tell me what is in them!"

"If you don't guess it right, I won't tell."

For a second he just stood there thinking and then randomly he said,

"Pot?"

"You got it."

"Are you serious? You made pot brownies. I didn't know you knew how to make those."

"Well I guess you know something knew about me."

"Wait a minute? I didn't even know that you smoked."

"I have done it like three times before, but I barely do."

"This is going to be a fun night," he smiled and turned around to turn off the stove. He then drained the pasta and made an alfredo sauce. Then he took the chicken out of the oven and mixed everything together.

"Aw you made my favorite dinner."

"Of course I did. With everything going on with your mom and all, I wanted you to have the perfect night."

We went and sat down at the table and ate the delicious dinner. After we were done eating we went into the living room to pick out a movie.

“Horror or comedy?” He asked.

“Horror,” I say not knowing why I picked this genre.

“ooo exciting. I thought you hated horror movies?”

“Yeah I do but since I’m sleeping over why not.”

“Lets watch a really scary one. How about the ring? Or the last exorcism?”

“No Logan, nothing too scary. How about prom night or like sorority row?”

“Sure lets watch sorority row.”

“Just letting you know I might freak out, you know how I am in scary movies,” I say starting to smile.

“Just letting you know I might not be able to pay attention to the movie with my beautiful girlfriend sitting next to me,” Logan says coming a little closer to me.

It was then that I forgot about the brownies that we had made. “Wait lets not watch anything yet. Let’s eat the brownies that I made!!!” I said getting really excited.

“Oh yeah.”

Logan goes over to the kitchen and gets a knife to cut them. Then he cuts out two brownies. He brought me one and we both ate them.

“Sure that you still want to watch a scary movie?” He asked me.

“No I don’t want to watch one anymore. Lets watch something else. How about despicable me? I heard that it is funny.”

“Sure lets watch that. But maybe we can ditch the movie half way through,” he said.

“Yeah sure. I’m starting to feel it… I feel really hungry relaxed.”

The movie started and we were only five minutes in when I burst out laughing. I had only been high three times before and didn’t really like it that much. Logan barely drinks but has smoked more then I have. I was so hungry.

“Do you have any snacks? Like cheese its or something?”

“Uh I think so,” he said starting to laugh, “You are silly.” “You know what is even sillier. This movie.”

We start laughing together and I go into the kitchen to get some snacks. When I come back Logan is standing up staring at the TV screen.

“OMG this is so cool. They are like in a different world,” he said.

I drop the snacks on the floor and go stand next to him. “No, its like we are in a different world,” I say starting to laugh again.

“Wow you took out a ton of snacks,” he said.

“Yeah I know. I am hungry and it all looked so yummy.”

Then he came over and kissed me. Logan and I have been fighting a lot lately so maybe this night was good for us. I miss this. We have been dating for a long time so I do love him, I just wish that he realized that I was special. “Do you think I am special?” I find myself asking.

“Of course you are special and I am lucky to have you.”

Then he goes onto the coach and I lay down next to him to snuggle. He starts laughing. “You’re too cute,” he said.

I kiss his nose. “You are too baby poo.”

“HAHAHA. What did you just call me?”

“I just called you my baby poo. I thought it suits you because your cute as well.”

“Oh so now we are making up nicknames for each other.”

“Oh yes we are. Give me one!!!!” I said acting like a child.

“Ok you are mini bear.”

“Why am I mini bear?”

“Because you are cuddly like a bear and are mini and cute.”

“HAHA I start laughing. I am not that cuddly in my opinion.”

“Yes you are,” he said.

I started to forget all the hard things that I went through in the past with Logan. When I stare into those blue eyes of his I can’t look away. When I kiss his lips, it is hard to stop. We stop paying attention to the movie and start paying attention to each other.


 * Chapter 15: Toby-** I picked Vanessa up at seven thirty to go to get dinner. Then after we were planning on coming back to my house and hanging out. When I got to her door I went up and rang the doorbell. A man came to the door who looked tough and was tall.

"Can I help you?" He said to me.

"Hi I am here to pick Vanessa. We are going out to eat tonight."

"And what is your name?"

"Toby sir."

"I am Vanessa's dad. You can call me Rob."

"It's nice to meet you Rob," I said, a little intimidated by him.

"You too. 'VANESSA,'" he called a little too loud.

'IM COMING," she yelled back down.

Then a second later she was at the door standing in front of me. She looked really good. Her hair was wavy brown and she had some pink lip gloss on. She was wearing almost no makeup except for a little eye stuff. I liked her because she was not a materialistic girl. She was naturally pretty and had beautiful blue eyes. A second later I noticed Rob angrily staring at me because he noticed that my full attention had gone to Vanessa.

"See you later dad, love you," she said giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Love you," he said back.

"Bye Rob," I said starting to walk away behind Vanessa.

I stopped when I heard Rob say something behind me,

"You wait there young boy. I don't want Vanessa coming home upset because of a guy like you. I used to be one of you and think I could get away with it. I saw you looking at my daughter earlier. It was not a good look, but a bad one. You'll be sorry if you hurt her."

I did not know what to say, I gave one last glance at Rob and walked away. I guess that it was true I sometimes did use girls, but most guys do. Sometimes I just really want to get with a girl, but after they become too attached or want it to go farther and I typically don't. I walk up to the car and open the door to get in. Then I turn on the ignition.

"What did he say to you?" Vanessa asks as we start driving away.

"Oh nothing. He was just saying that I seem nicer then other guys who come over," I said making up a lie.

"Haha my dad would say that," she said.

Guess that I thought of a good lie.

"But maybe he was joking to me," I say.

"Doubt it. He usually doesn't like the boys that I bring home, but you are a polite kid."

This made me upset that I wasn't the only guy who had been to her house. I wished that I was the only guy who had been over her house.

"Oh so you have had other guys over?" I said smiling at her.

"Only a couple. But I didn't like any of them."

"Including me?"

"No I like you. My dad just doesn't like most of the guys I choose because they usually end up making me upset or do something to hurt me."

"I'm sorry. Well I can promise I am not like that," but when I said this I kind of wish I hadn't because maybe I was like that. I had done that to girls before. I probably hurt some girls in the past.

"Well I am glad," she said. We drove for a little bit and then pulled into PF Changs, the restaurant that we were eating at, and both of us got out of the car.

This was my favorite restaurant and I have never taken any of my dates here. But I really like Vanessa. She is fun and is not shy at all. We get seated at a table and I start looking at the menu. I usually get lettuce wraps as my appetizer.

"What do you want for an appetizer?" I ask.

"I was thinking maybe lettuce wraps. That is one of my favorite things on the menu," said said.

"Wait are you serious?? That is my favorite appetizer as well. I was hoping that you wanted to get that too," I said smiling.

"Oh I guess we have the same food in common as well."

"Yeah. I think that I am going to get lemon chicken as my main mean," I said too her.

"Mhm sounds good. I am going to get mongolian beef. It's my absolute favorite."

"Yeah that is really good."

We ordered our appetizer and our main courses and started eating when I got a text from Jake:

"Toby where are you? I am with Lauren and we want to come over."

I respond and say: "I am at dinner right now. I don't know when will be finished. Just bring her to your house and go swimming or something."

He says: "Ok but hurry up."

I didn't respond because I didn't want to hurry this date up. Sounded like Jake was a little freaked out by Lauren or just didn't know what to do with her. Me and Vanessa start talking and the conversation goes on and on. She tells me about her soccer team and I tell her about mine. We have a lot in common and it is pretty easy to talk to her. When we are done eating I say,

"Want anything for desert?"

"Maybe I will have one of those mini deserts... but I am stuffed," she says.

"Lets just go back to my house and we can pick up some ice cream on the way or some candy," I say smiling.

"As long as we get sour gummy worms I am in. Wait what time is it though?" She asks.

I check my phone and see that it is ten.

"It is ten," I tell her.

"Well I would love to stay out a little later but I have a soccer game tomorrow morning. We have a make up game and for some reason it is happening tomorrow."

"Does that mean no to the desert?" I ask.

"I guess on the way we could stop at cvs and get some gummy bears and then you could drive me home," she said.

I smiled and said okay. I paid the check which was $38.00 and gave a six dollar tip. It was worth it even though it was expensive because the food was delicious. We left the restaurant and got into the car.

"Can I play some music?" she asked.

"Yeah sure. You can pick it."

She turned on the stereo and took a CD out of her bag. The top of the CD said mixer and the first song started to play. I don't know who it was but I liked the song.

"This song is good," I said.

"You have never heard it before?"

"No I haven't."

She looked at me with a surprised look on her face. I took a turn down the next street and we approached a Cvs.

"Its called the prayer by Kid Cudi. It's a remix to the funeral by Band of Horses."

"I don't know why I haven't heard it before. I love Kid Cudi."

We pull into cvs and we both get out of the car. She walks in front of me and goes straight to the candy section. She grabs a bag of sour gummy worms and asks,

"What do you want?"

I think about this for a minute. I am really in the mood for runts or nerds.

"Runts or nerds," I say.

"Lets go with both," she smiles.

Then she walks up to the register. I start to take out my mom when she says,

"You paid for dinner. The least I can do is pay for the candy."

"No it's fine. I got it."

"Too late," she says and pays for the candy.

We got back into the car and sit in it while we are eating the candy. I have a little bit of everything. Vanessa is downing the gummy worms.

"You really do like gummy worms," I say.

"Yeah I know. They are my favorite candy by far."

We finish eating the candy and keep talking.

"Do you want to go back home now?" I ask.

"Yeah I think that I should because its 10:45 and I have to get up early. Sorry," she says.

"No its fine. I just wish I could have hung out with you longer," I say.

"Yeah same here!"

I start to drive her home and we pull onto her street. The music that she has been playing for this whole ride is really good. When I pull up to her house I tell her not to forget her cd. Her house is really nice. It is on a private street and has a really nice yard.

"I had a lot of fun tonight," she says.

I really want to kiss her goodbye but I don't know if she likes me or if she will thinks its appropriate. When I was thinking about what to do she leaned in and gave me a quick kiss goodbye. But it was a really good quick kiss. Then she backed away.

"Bye," she said as she got out of the car and shut the door.

"Byeee," I heard my self saying even though she was all ready gone.

I pull away from her house thinking about what just happened and not being able to bring my mind from it. I have never found a girl who had the courage to ask me to hang out in the first place and then gave me the kiss goodbye. Usually that is what the guy does. Maybe that is why I can't seem to take my mind my Vanessa. A second later I get a call from my sister Gillian. I wonder what she has been doing all night.

"Hello," I say.

"Hi... is this Toby my brother?" Gillian says.

"Uh yeah it is. Are you ok?"

"YEAHHH buddy. I am fine. Just I need a ride home from my friends party." “Ok where is it? Who is there?”

“I am at Tyler’s house and me and Maddy are here and then some other guys.”

“Are you drunk?” I ask.

“I drank a little bit but I am not drunk. I’m just a little scared and sad.”

“Ok I am on my way right now.”

“Thanks Toby!!!! Love you,” my sister says.

“Love you to.”

I would say that I am a pretty protective brother and when she tells me that she is at a guys house only with one other girl I get nervous. Sometimes my sister doesn’t make that good decisions… like this one. I bet that she is really drunk right now with this huge group of guys. I find myself exceeding the speed limit because I want to get there. She told me that she was scared and this worries me. I am getting closer by the minute but I just wish that I was there now. I know Gillian pretty well and she always cares what other people think about her. This is why she will sometimes do stupid things. She wants to fit in and she will ask guys if she looks pretty. I remember this one time last year.

Last year Gillian was an upperclassman party and there was this guy there who did not go to our school. I remember arriving at the party at 11:00 not knowing that my sister was there. When I got there Jake came up to me and told me that my sister was upstairs with this random guy. I started freaking out at him for letting her into the party and I was even more pissed that she did not stop him from taking her upstairs. I ran up the stairs with Jake tried to open the door of the room they were in. Jake told me that Gillian had only been up there for a little bit. The door was locked so I banged on the door. A minute later Gillian came running out of the room with pepper spray in her hand. She had all of her clothes on but the guy was on the floor with his shirt off. He was covering his eyes and moaning. I went over to him and punched him really hard in the face. I hope that it left a bruise. I went over to Gillian. “We are going home right now,” I remembered saying.

She did not say anything but followed me out of the house. When we were in the car I did not know what to say. Something bad could have happened to Gillian that night and I would not have been able to help her if I had not come in the first place. “Are you ok?” I remembered saying.

“Yeah I am fine. I went upstairs to use the bathroom and when I was done I walked down the hall back to the stairs. The guy had been in the room and I thought that it was someone else so I went in to see what was going on. A second later he went over to the door and locked it. Then he took of his shirt. I was luckily carrying my bag and had pepper spray in it. He came onto the bed and tried to come on top of me. I pushed him away and then took my pepper spray and sprayed it right into his eyes. I’m sorry Toby. It was stupid of me to go into the room in the first place but I swear I thought it was someone else. I was so scared.”

I remember clearly that she started crying. I pulled over the car and put my arm around her telling her that it would be ok. From then on she barely went to upper class parties and she always told me where she was going.

I was so close to Tyler’s house and I was scared that something bad was happening because she did not tell me she was going to a party tonight. I finally arrived and got out of the car and went up to his door. I opened the door and walked inside the house. Then I called Gillian. “Hello,” she said.

“I’m here.”

“Oh ok. I will come upstairs. I’m in the basement.”

I hung up and instead of waiting for her to come upstairs I went to the door that led to the basement and then went downstairs. When I got down there I saw Maddy sitting with her boyfriend on the coach and Gillian was saying goodbye to Tyler. She was giving him a hug and I don’t think that anyone saw me. “hey,” I said turning everyone’s attention to me.

“Waddup Toby,” Tyler said coming over and giving me a high five.

Gillian got her bag and came over to me. I whispered in her ear, “Maybe we should drive Maddy home. I don’t think that it is a good idea if we leave her here.”

“Maddy lets go. We are driving you home,” Gillian said.

I could tell that Gillian really was not that drunk. She probably was a little bit tipsy. I was against drinking and smoking and stayed sober. I wish that she never drank. She did sometimes but not a lot. “I don’t want to leave,” Maddy said.

“Yeah but you are leaving now,” Gillian said.

She went over to Maddy and helped her up, “Maddy we are leaving.”

“Ok, GOSH Gillian… you don’t have to be so rude,” Maddy said. Gillian ignored the comment and walked with Maddy and me up the stairs. The group of kids that they were with did not go to our school. I only knew Tyler because he played soccer with me on a club team in the spring. Gillian went there a lot because she was a good friend of Tyler. I always thought that he liked her more then just friends but what did I know.

We dropped off Maddy and Gillian walked her to her door. Then she came back into the car and sat with me.

“Why did you say that you were scared?” I asked.

“Because it was weird there tonight. Usually more girls go with us but tonight it was just Maddy and I. Also there were a lot of guys there tonight and a lot of them were creepy.”

“I always tell you not to go there unless there are a lot of your friends with you!”

“Yeah I know,” I said starting to cry.

“What’s the matter? Gillian did something happen?”

“Yes. Mom is gone. She left.”

What? Is that why she has not been here? Where did she go? I find myself wanting to ask a million questions. “What? Why?” I ask starting to tear up.

“She left a note two days ago saying that she was leaving to find herself and that we are better off without her. I will show you the letter when I get home.”

“And why did you not tell me before? And how the hell are we better off without mom. That is bullshit. She can’t just do this Gillian,” I said getting angry. “Sorry that I didn’t tell you. Lilly found out first. The letter was to her and she just told me last night. We were going to tell you together but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I miss her. It has only been two days but I want her to come back,” I said.

“Do you think that she is going to come back? This is a pretty typical thing for her to do. She always acts out like this and then comes back.” “Yeah but I really don’t think that she is coming back.”

I pulled over the car and put my head on the wheel starting to cry. I know that my mom sometimes acted like a little kid, but her and I were really close. I started to cry. This was not fair… this was not ok.


 * Chapter 16: Gillian-** The car was quiet for the rest of the ride home and when we got back I saw an unfamiliar car in the driveway. When we pulled in next to it we saw a woman sitting in the front seat... Aunt Carrie.

"Oh god," I heard myself saying.

"I haven't seen aunt carrie in years. Oh god is right."

She gets out of her car and comes and knocks on the window with a huge smile on her face. I open the door and get out.

"Hi Aunt Carrie!" I say leaning in to give her a hug.

"Wow you are all grown up now and look so good. When did you get so big? And when did those boobs grow so big?" Aunt Carrie said.

I find myself hiding my face in embarrassment. Toby gets out of the car and goes over to say hi as well.

"Hey Aunt Carrie," he said not sounding too exciting.

"Wow... I wonder what Lilly looks like. This family is just stunning, including me," she said, "now lets go inside and you can show me to my room."

Toby walked ahead of of and opened the door to the house. Then he came up to me while Aunt Carrie went into the kitchen.

"She is even crazier then I remember and she expects to be our motherly figure till mom comes back," I said.

"Wait are you serious? We are more mature then her. We are going to have to try and get rid of her. She didn't even mention anything about mom's absence."

"Wait let me show you the letter."

I walk upstairs with Toby following close behind. We go into Lilly's room and I find the letter on the ground.

"Here is it," I say.

He takes the letter and sits down on the floor of her room. I can tell that Toby is a sensitive person. He doesn't show it but I know him really well and can tell when he is upset. He takes five minutes to read the letter but he doesn't take his eyes off of it. I go over to him and put my arm around him.

"It is ok," I say, "we are going through this together and she will come back. I know she will."

"I hope so," he says.

I can tell that he is trying to hold back tears. He feels embarrassed to cry. But I don't understand why. I am his sister... he doesn't have to hide his tears from me. I go downstairs to get him some nutella. That always makes me feel better. It is so good. When I get downstairs I see Aunt Carrie sitting in the kitchen chair reading people magazine. When I walk into the room she looks up at me.

"Did you know that Lilly Allen is now married and pregnant? Do you think that that is the reason why she got married?" Aunt Carrie asks.

"You know what Aunt Carrie? I really don't care about Lilly Allen. Do you know how much my family is going through right now. My mom left us. My dad is out of the picture and you... you are not a motherly figure at all. It's not fair for you to come here and act like everything is normal. Act like my mom is still here with us and not even mention her." I said this in an angry tone of voice.

I could see that Aunt Carrie was on the verge of crying. I guess I was a little harsh on her but honestly my mom is gone and she is concerned about Lilly Allen. I went over to her and put my arm around her.

"Sorry that was a little harsh, but honestly Aunt Carrie... where is mom?"

"Hun, to be honest, I have no idea where she is. She left me a message telling me that she was leaving and she wanted me to come here and take care of you guys in her absence. The reason that I am ignoring this topic is because I don't want to talk about it. It is really harsh on me too. I was so close with your sister. We talked almost every night and now she is gone. I have no idea where she went and I have been wondering."

"It doesn't matter that you won't be able to go to your job?" I ask.

"Well I completing my fourth year of medical school at MIT so it is not that far from here. It is not right what your mom did and she can't just leave you under the supervision of no one."

What? She goes to medical school? I did not know that she was so smart and was going to become a doctor.

"Why have I not seen you in so long Aunt Carrie? The last time I saw you was two years ago and I didn't know that you were in medical school," I said.

"Yeah I know. Your mom... we are still close... but not as close as we used to be. This is hard to explain but I used to be crazy like your mom. We would go to college parties together and drink... but I have grown up and she hasn't. She gets jealous that I was able to move my life forward and she was not. I know that you probably might not be believing this. You know how I used to be Gillian. I still have the same fun and crazy personality but I have grown up. I became sober and stopped partying and just worked hard."

I can't imagine a grown up Aunt Carrie. Maybe this is hard for me to remember because two years ago she was the exact same as my mom but a little bit more crazy. She came here to spend the weekend and I remember that they came home at 4:30 in the morning drunk. My mom was stumbling and had glitter all over her. My Aunt on the other hand was wearing a tiny shirt and short shorts, she had a guy with her. He looked like a trashy guy that she picked up at a bar. I went and woke my sister up who was a sophomore at the time and she went downstairs and helped mom to her room. Then she went over to Aunt Carrie and told her to either get the guy out of the house or leave with him. Aunt Carrie ended up leaving for the night and that was the last time we saw her...

"So you're sober now?" I asked not believing her.

"Yes," she said, "I have been for almost a year and a half."

"Sorry that it is so hard for me to believe you... it's just the last time that I saw you... you were here drunk and with a random guy."

"Yeah I know. I made some stupid choices in the past, but I am going to become an emergency room doctor. I am in my fourth year of medical school and then off to work at a hospital."

"What hospital are you going to work at?"

"I am going to work at St. Elizabeth's I think. I start training there in a week."

I go into the cabinet and get the nutella that I had come downstairs to get in the first place. As I start walking out of the kitchen I hear Aunt Carrie say something.

"I know that it is sad that you're mom left and you probably can't see me as a motherly figure but that is what I am here to be. From now on we will have a family dinner on every night of the week and you will have a curfew along with your sister and brother."

Does she really think that she can just come here and take control? I don't think so. I walk up the stairs and don't find my brother in his room. Instead I find him in his bed. I bring the nutella in and take out a big spoonful to give him. He eats eat and then I take a huge spoonful and eat it. I feel bad for him, he was the only one in our family who never felt embarrassed about our mom. He would always stick out for her or ask us why we were embarrassed. I wanted to get his mind off thinking about mom so i said,

"What did you do tonight?"

The room was quiet for a couple of minutes after I asked my question and then he answered.

"I went out to eat with Vanessa."

"You went on a date???" I said getting really excited for him.

"Yeah. I guess you could call it that."

"Where did you go?"

"We went to pf changs."

"That is the best restaurant and if you took her there that is definitely a date. Is that all you did?"

"Well I wanted to hang out longer but she had to go home so we went to cvs on the way and we got some candy."

"Oh yum. Sounds like a fun night. Did you have fun? Do you like her?"

I was asking all these questions because my brother was usually not the kind of person to go on a date with a girl. He would usually just hook up with a girl at a party.

"Well there is something different about her and when I drove her home and leaned in and gave me one quick kiss then was gone. Now I can't stop thinking about her," he said.

"Oh she pulled that move. She is a smart girl. The reason you like her so much now is because you didn't hook up with her your first date, but you wanted too."

"Yeah maybe, we will see what happens," he said.

"Oooo you like her. Just admit it." I said.

"I'm going to go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow for my soccer game."

"Ok night."

I leave his room and go back downstairs to return to nutella. I find my Aunt sitting on the coach studying a bunch of papers. I am still so surprised that she has become such a hard worker. I go into the living room with her and sit on the other coach.

"I am going to watch a movie. Want to watch one with me or are you studying?" I ask.

"I will watch one. I have been studying this stuff the past three nights, I think I am ready for the exam."

I turn on the tv and go to on demand.

"How about a horror movie," Aunt Carrie says.

"No way," I say, "I hate scary movies."

"Come on. Please!!!"

"Fine, but not one that is too scary," I say.

"Ok then we will watch 'the last exorcism.' It is not too scary," she said.

"Fine, as long as it is not too scary."

I buy the movie and we start watching it. Its been twenty minutes into the movie and it isn't scary yet. In this movie this guy does not believe in demons taking over the body and goes to this ranch to prove that the girl is not possessed. Right now we are at the part where the guy is driving to the ranch. It starts to get scary. Apparently this girl has been killing the livestock and wakes up in the morning in a bloody dress. I pick up a pillow to cover my eyes. Why did I let Aunt Carrie talk me into watching this movie?


 * Chapter 17: Lilly-** I woke up in the morning and found a note on the side of my bed. It said,

"I went out to get us some breakfast. I will be back soon. Love you."

I looked at the alarm clock on the side of the bed, it was ten o' clock. I got out of his bed and found my clothes on the floor. I put on my bra and underwear and then got one of his big shirts out the closet and a pair of his boxer shorts. His parents went out a lot and this weekend they were in Maryland for their friends wedding. I went downstairs and turned on the tv waiting for Logan to get home. After about ten minutes of watching America's next top model, I heard the door open.

Chapter later on in the book: Lilly- I hear the phone ring so I walk over to the receiver and pick it up,

“Hello,” I say.

“Hi am I speaking to Lilly Greenwald?”

“Yes. Who am I talking to?”

“I am calling from St. Elizabeth’s hospital in Boston.”

“Ok, but why are you calling to speak to me?” I say getting a little worried.

“Your mom checked into the hospital for chemo three days ago and she is not doing well.” I pause. For a second I feel as if I can’t breath. My mom has cancer and she is dying? What? Is that why she left in the first place. I can’t bring myself to say anything and instead I start crying hysterically. “I assume that you are Fiona’s child because when I looked her family up in the system you came up. You and the rest of your family should come see her,” I hear the lady saying. “Is… is she going to you know… is she going to make it?” “She is not responding well to the treatment but there are many miracle patients out there.” “Ok thanks for calling,” I manage to say. Then I hang up the phone and get in the car. My sister is at the mall and my brother is at soccer practice. I start driving to his soccer practice because it is on the way to the mall. When I get there I see him running down the field with the ball. I get out of the car and start walking closer to the field so that he can see me. “Toby!” I scream. He looks over at me but keeps playing. “Toby! Come here right now. We have to go to the hospital!” I scream. This time he starts running towards me instead. “What is the matter? We have our rival came against Brookline High School in two days.” “Yeah I know that. But this is more important and I will explain everything once we go and get your sister.” “Okay,” he said angrily and got into the seat next to me. “Will you call Gillian for me and tell her that we are picking her up from the mall and will be there in five minutes?” I say. “Sure.” When we got to the mall Toby called her and she came out with three shopping bags. She opened the door and slammed it behind her. “Why did I have to leave the mall? And why are we all together?” “We are going to the hospital,” I say holding back my tears. But they keep coming down anyway. “Lily are you ok?” I hear Toby ask. “No I’m not ok. Mom is in the hospital getting Chemo and she is not doing ok. I got a call from the hospital this morning.” The car went silent for a few minutes and when I looked over at Toby his hands were up to his face and he was crying. I had never seen Toby cry before. No sounds came from the back of the car, but I could tell that Gillian was not ok. Chapter (NEXT): Toby- We were getting closer and closer to the hospital and all I was think was what was going to happen if mom died. I put my hood over my head and put my head against the window. It was a gross day out, the sky getting darker minute by minute. It was one of those days when the rain was just waiting to come down, but it takes a while for this to happen. This is what it felt like driving to the hospital. I wanted to be there right now but it was taking way too long to get there. When we finally arrived I slowly got out the car, now not wanting to see mom like this. Gillian was next to me and she was not doing ok. I can tell when Gillian is upset, even though she does not show it. I put my arm around her and whispered, “Everything is going to be ok. We will go in there together.” She did not say anything and we walked into the hospital together. Lilly was on my other side. When we got to the front desk Lilly went up first. “Hi. My mom, Fiona Greenwald is here. She just got chemo treatment and we are her family,” Lilly said. “Ok. Let me walk you to her room.” Lilly is really brave when she has to be. She does not always act like a strong person, but she really is. She walked in front of us following the woman. When the woman told us that we were at our mom's room, Lilly hesitated before walking in. But then she took her first step into the room and we followed behind. I could see mom on the bed with IVs hooked up to her and a tube through the nose. I went over to mom and took her hand. “Hi mom. I missed you this whole time. I forgive you for leaving and I know that you are going to make it. Even though you always say that you are not a strong person, I know that you are. You are going to make it and just keep thinking positive.” I took her hand into mine and could feel her grip wrap around mine. I started to cry and just sat there holding my hand in hers. Chapter (NEXT): Gillian- I walk over to mom and so does Lilly. We both sit on the bed and are staring at her. I am so happy to see her again, but I wish she wasn’t sick. I was really upset at her for leaving, but I am somewhat over it. It just was not fair. She should have told us that she had cancer. We could have helped her. But now I understand a little better why she left. She didn’t want us to have to see her suffer. A doctor walked into the room and said, “Can I have a minute with you guys out of this room?” “Yeah sure,” I say. Me, Toby, and Lilly follow. “Your mom has breast cancer and its been spreading. This is her second chemo treatment, but she responded better to the first one. Does your mom smoke?” “Yes she has in the past. We haven’t seen her in a while, and knowing that she has cancer, I bet she stopped when she found out,” Lilly said. “Yes she probably has stopped, but the fact that she a significant amount in the past is not helping the situation. There are some chances that she is going to make it. Gary has done a good job taking care of her.” “Uhm… may I ask, Gary who?” Lilly said. “Gary Greenwald, your dad I would assume.” This caught me by surprise. My dad has been taking care of mom? What? In the letter she said that she was so hurt when dad left her. Why would she go back to him? “Will you excuse me for a moment? I have to go check on another patient.” The doctor said and walked away. “Dad has been taking care of mom,” Lilly explained, “and he hasn’t even made an effort to contact us and let us know what is happening. Does he want mom to die and for us not to be able to say goodbye?” This year has just been too hectic and unfair. I go back into the room where mom is and try to talk to her. “Hi mom. I don’t know if you can hear me but I want you to come back home. I wish that you hadn’t left in the first place to be honest. I miss you.” He eyes started to open a little bit and she brought her hand to mine. I heard her mutter something but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. “I…ilove…you,” my mom said again, “Sorry for… leaving.” “Yeah I was upset for a while. You shouldn’t have left. We could have helped to take care of you… not dad.” “You…heard about that. I should have told you. I was going to get help at rehab and then I found out that I have cancer. He is a doctor so I got in contact with him and he has helped me,” my mom said. “YEAH MOM YOU SHOULD HAVE,” I hear myself saying angrily… But then I realize what kind of state she is in, “sorry for raising my voice.” “Its understandable. I would be upset too. I should have come home and told you guys everything but this happened so fast.” It was hard to feel sympathy for her because that was bullshit. She could have made time. How about when she decided to contact dad in the first place? She could have contacted us as well. Or how about when she decided to check into a rehab center. It would have been easy for her to call. I find myself getting angry. “You could have called mom, it could not have been that hard.” “Yeah I could have… but it would have been hard for me to tell you that I had cancer, for me to tell you that I met up with dad. You would have been upset about both of those things. “ “Yeah mom, I probably would have been upset. But it would have been better if you had told me. It has been hard not having you around. It has been sad too.” “I thought that you were embarrassed by me?” “Well mom… You sometimes embarrass me. I think every child is embarrassed by their mom at some point. But when you show up drunk to a block party and turn the whole attention on you, or when you barely come home sober it is hard. But I still love you. And I would have stood by you a hundred percent if you went to rehab. I would have come visited you every weekend.” “And you would have wanted to see me like that?” “Like what mom? You would have been getting help. Improving your problem. It hurts to see you like this but I am glad that I came. I need you to make it.” “Honey, I am going to be ok and when I am better, I promise that I will go to rehab near our home so you, Lilly, and Toby can come visit me.” It felt really good to hear her say these words. I wanted her to think positive right now. She closed her eyes and started to fall asleep so I left the room. Chapter (Next): Lilly- Gillian finally walked out the room.

“What did she say? Did you ask about dad?” I say.

“Yeah I did. She said that she was sorry but didn’t want to tell us and hurt us more and that he was helping her. I got angry at her but tried to stay calm because she needs rest,” Gillian says.

“Yeah I mean its ok that we are mad. But right now we should try to be as nice and calm as possible because we need her to make it,” Toby makes a point.

“And she told me that once she does get better she is going to go to rehab near us so that we can visit her,” Gillian says smiling

“Do you think she really means it?” I ask

“Yes. I really think that she does.”

We all walk into the cafeteria to get some food and occupy ourselves while our mom sleeps. I wonder why Dad isn’t here and I wonder where he is? He left when I was eight years old and Toby was seven and Ana was five. I vaguely remember him and I haven’t seen him since. I have seen photos of him, but maybe his appearance has changed. If he was working in this hospital right now I don’t know if I would be able to spot him. I wonder why he left my mom today and if he knew that his children were coming. But I am mostly curious as to why he left in the first place. Mom never really explained it to me, but him leaving affected her a lot.