JuliannaGoldring

"Don't ask, don't tell". I knew the deal when I signed up, keep your personal life private. Don't get involved with the people who you work with. It's a basic principle really, nothing complicated or hidden about it. I just never expected to find my personal life, at work. It was my sophomore year in high school when I decided to join to the military. I had seen adds on television and not given much thought about it, but then Officer Dean Lanson came to visit my school, something changed. He told story after story about how serving your country would bring you the upmost honor and pride.I remember a story in particular where he told about the time he met a young girl in Afghanistan. It was a non-combat day, and the soldiers had been instructed to patrol the streets. There were probably forty street venders lining the sidewalks of people selling what seemed like anything they could get their hands on. There were little kids running back and forth trying to bargain with the marketers, it was hectic to say the least. Officer Lanson was stationed at his look out point and instructed not to move. He was to monitor the activities going around and make sure no trouble started. He had been standing there on the same spot for three hours when he noticed a small girl, with shoulder length black hair perched on one side of the street. She was alone, and didn't seem to know how to cross the busy street. So Officer Lanson left his spot, and bent down beside her. There was a language barrier so as calmly as he could, he took her hand and lead her across the street. He said that was the moment where he felt most useful, in all the experiences he had there. That was the time that stood out in his mind. I think that's what caught my attention, that helping people in whatever way I could, no matter how small would make a difference. Looking back to that day, he made it seem much more glamorous than what I'm experiencing right now. Back then the military just seemed like a far away place I'd never see. Something out of a dream. I made up my mind that day however, to serve my country to the best of my ability. The day followed with another assembly and more guest speakers. But none of them spoke about the military with such adoration and respect that Officer Lanson did. I wanted that feeling that Lanson had, that feeling of self-worth and courage it took to join the military at all. "Lucas, this is your mother calling, again, I don't know where you are but you best come home right now or your dinner will be ice cold. Not to mention your plane leaves at 9 tomorrow, so it's already going to be a long day. Anyway, don't bother calling back just come straight home when you get my message please." My mom's worried voice echoed in my ears as I listened to the sixth voicemail I had gotten that evening. She was sensitive, and had a little too much fear in her than was healthy, but that just made her love for me stronger. It was indeed getting late, but I was leaving the next morning and I wanted, I needed, a few more moments of peace. It had always been just me and my mom after all. My dad skipped town three weeks after I was born. My mom once told me what he said on the day he left, "That baby doesn't need me, who would want a father that doesn't want him back?" I guess it's for the better now. From all the stories my mother had told me he seemed like a jackass anyway. Always drinking, caring more about the winning lottery numbers than how we were going to eat that night. It worked out anyway, my mom and I did the best we could, we worked together as a team. It's because of how close we were that made me know when I first told her about enlisting, she wouldn't be too supportive. Her father had been in the military, although in all perfect honesty that had no affect on my choice to join. He lived through fighting in a war, and minus one toe came out just fine. He survived, but my mom had seen what it had taken from him emotionally, and I could tell she was terrified it'd do the same to me. Although physically, grandpa was intact, his mind grew blank when it came to the war. He seemed detached from the rest of the world most days. The terrors he never spoke of that he must have witnessed stayed with him long past his discharge. That didn't scare me though, I knew the risks, and I wanted to take them. I remember the night I first told her, we were at dinner eating lasagna like we do every Sunday. It was a breezy spring night, much like the ones you stay out late too and forget all about anything else. "Mom, I need to tell you something." "Oh what happened now?" I laughed a bit, and replied "Nothing bad Mom, just something we need to talk about." "Okay, what is it?" "I want to enlist in the military." There was a silence that took over the room, the small space between us had suddenly grown into a wave. She looked at me, sort of perplexed and sort of hurt, as if I had just thrown something at her. "Why? You'll get killed." came her first response "Mom, I know this isn't what you wanted from me, but it's something I want to do. I need to do." "But why? You see how your grandfather can't talk about it. How it has paralyzed his ability to talk about much of anything. I don't understand, how could you do this to me?" I was a little taken back at first, she was making me feel guilty for wanting to help people. I hadn't expected her to take it so personally, or even personally at all, as if I was doing this in spite of her, or to cause her more pain. That was not the objective of my decision. "It's not about grandpa, and I'm not him. I want to serve my country." "Than volunteer at a food bank! Join the peace corps! There are plenty of ways to "serve your country" without picking up a gun and going into open fire." Her tone had now shifted from vulnerable, to aggressive. I could tell this would be a fight, but I was sure on what I wanted to do and that was that. "This is something I've thought a lot about, I'm going to go after I finish highschool. It's going to be okay Mom, I promise" But as soon as the words came out of my mouth I wanted to grab them straight from the air and shove them back down my throat. That was the wrong thing to say. "You promise do you? So you can control the guys on the other side with the guns, who are going to have them pointed at you? How dare you say you promise you'll be okay. You don't know how bad it gets out there. And if you think it was hard for your grandpa out there, you have no idea how hard it was here. Watching the news every morning to see if my father had lived through the night. Don't make me go through that again Lucas." Now I felt worse, I didn't want to feel bad for helping people. However, I could understand why she was against the idea. After all, if I had a child and they told me they wanted to go into a war I would probably have reacted the same way. She loved me, and she had always been there to protect me, if I was half way across the world she would be forced to forfeit that control. "I know Mom, I know. I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that. I want you to understand, this is something I can't give up." She looked at me, her maternal eyes filled with tears, and ate the rest of her lasagna in silence. I knew she wouldn't of jumped on the idea the first time it was brought up. But it was a start, and I couldn't take it back now. Not even if I wanted to. She would have to let it soak in, get used to it, maybe even start accepting it. Because whether she liked it or not, it was my choice. And now, it was the night before my departure. It was strange to think that in 24 hours I would begin training, and then who knows what would happen. The idea lingered in the air like a fog. If you closed your eyes you could escape it for a few moments, but the second you opened your eyes again it was right there in front of you. I didn't have any regrets signing up, but I wasn't too proud to admit I was terrified. This would be the first time I'd been away from home for real, and I didn't know how much I would miss it all. I wasn't far from home, just at a park two blocks away. It had been where I spent all my summer days when I was younger, usually accompanied by my best friend Will. He wasn't too keen on the idea of me going into the army either. But he was supportive despite it all. I got up from the swing set and started the walk home. It was a warm summer night, it felt safe here. Between the sidewalk stacked with familiar houses, and trees that had been there since before we moved in. I wanted to hold onto this moment of security, before whatever lay ahead of me came even a centimeter closer. "Lucas, wait up!" I turned around, a little startled actually, and saw Jenna, my next door neighbor of going 10 years now. "Hey Jen, I was hoping to see you before I left." "Same here, be safe Luc, don't do anything stupid like try and be a hero." "Haha I'll do my best. I gotta make it to see your wedding to that boy, right?" "Oh shut up, we've been only been on three dates. He is charming though, and tall. Height is always a plus. What about you, going to meet any hot soldiers there that you can write me about?" Jen had been the first person, and only person I ever came out to. I trusted her. Something I really couldn't say about much of anyone else. And as far as I know she'd kept her promise to not tell anyone until I'm ready. "You know about the Don't Ask Don't Tell rule don't you? I don't think I'll be meeting anyone my type in the army." "Yeah I know about it, and to be honest that is ridiculous. You're serving your country, risking your life every day and you can't even be open about who you love. Sometimes this place really pisses me off. But you never know! Keep me posted, I'll be writing you." That's the thing about Jen, she had this spirit about her that nobody could touch. I remember the first time I met her, I was nine years old and I had just moved into the big blue house next door. I was terrified of meeting new people, we had moved from very far away and I didn't know what to expect. It was a sunny day and I was sitting by myself on the front steps of the new house when a dark red-headed girl with freckles walked right up. She introduced herself and told her that if I needed anything she was the person to ask. It was nice knowing someone wasn't afraid to say hello. From there on we walked to school together and walked home together. It became a regularity that I could depend on in life, something reliable that stayed constant. In case anything happened out there, I wanted to make sure Jen knew how much I would miss her and how much she meant to me. "I'll miss you bud, don't do anything I wouldn't do." "Only if you promise to come back soon." "It's a deal then." We walked the rest of the way home together and said our goodbyes, it was short and sweet. Anything more would of been too painful. As soon as I entered the house my mom greeted me at the door. "Finally, Luc, where have you been? Dinner was ready half an hour ago!" "Sorry Mom, I ran into Jen on the walk back." "Oh fine fine, just sit down I want to spend as much time with you as possible." "I know Mom, but really you shouldn't worry so much. I'll write to you every week I promise." "Yeah, you say that now but just wait until you get there. Things can be a lot different." "I guess. I don't want to talk about it anymore let's just eat." Looking a little defeated, my mom let it drop and went into the kitchen to get the salad. I think she knew putting up a fight wouldn't get her anywhere, and on the last night we'd be together in months shouldn't be wasted on another pointless argument. Still, it felt wrong to have things left unsaid considering the situation I'd be going into. We talked and talked about seemingly unimportant details, I mentioned all the people I ran into throughout the day and said my goodbyes too. The conversation consisted of nothing significant, all the big things were brewing inside both of us. I didn't know whether or not it was better to leave them where they are, or risk making everything much worse by letting them out. Some people argue that you should always say what you feel, and get everything out in the open. But what if what is being said, hurts someone you love? Or what if you can't take it back, and then the relationship you have is made worse because of it. I don't think you can generalize about that. Especially not with such a touchy subject like the one that lay on the dinner table tonight. Still, I could tell she was holding back a lot of words and fears she wanted to share before I left and she was doing her best to not say anything. My mom had always replaced her wants and needs with mine, she had always put me first. The next morning I woke up early. Earlier than I had anticipated. I lay in my bed, staring up at my white ceiling sort of day dreaming. The blank ceiling acted as sort of a canvas for my thoughts, all my imaginations to where I'd end up. Maybe in 30 years when I was finished serving my country, I'd be settled down with a family. Hopefully by then my mother and I would be on good terms once more, and we'd have said all that has needed to be said. I pictured a big white house on the countryside, maybe near the sea. It'd have a yard and a porch that wrapped around the whole house. That's someplace I could see myself living in in the future. And just like that, the alarm started ringing and my daydream vanished almost as soon as it molded together. I made my way downstairs, still in my pajamas to see my mom at our small kitchen table staring outside the window. She looked defeated, I quietly entered the kitchen and sat down beside her. "Morning, Mom." "Hi Luc, ready for the big day?" "I don't know if ready is the best word to describe my status right now." "Oh, I wouldn't worry. They aren't going to ship you anywhere without training you first." "I'm not worried about actually fighting, I'm worried about you. I don't want to leave you all alone." "I'll be okay. I've got Henry and Barbara right down the street. Plus whenever I miss you I can always write." "Yeah you're right, but I'm still going to miss you." "I'll miss you too honey. Would you like some breakfast?" "No, I think I'll just grab a bagel or something at the airport. I've got to head out pretty soon anyway." "Okay well, I'll call the cab now." She got up slowly and went to the phone book to look up the number for the cab. I remained where I was, just sitting in the kitchen. The stored up words from last night still hovered in the air, but it wasn't worth bringing up now. Either way, one of us was going to be hurt. I departed with a short goodbye and a promise to write every day. I was on my own for the first time in my life, nothing to lean on but myself. The independence and responsibility went hand in hand, I didn't know much about what I'd actually be doing turing training. But I knew one thing, that I was alone. This reminded me of the first time I rode a bike, as cliché as that sounds. I was eight and my mom had bought me this shiny red bike for my birthday. It was the first bike I owned without training wheels, and it was beautiful. I had been asking for one for two months, my mom kept it pretty well hidden. She said she wanted it to be a surprise. My mom had called my uncle Scott to come over and help me learn how to ride it. She said it was more of a male bonding type of thing, even though I assured her I'd be glad if she taught me. We went into this big open parking lot Sunday morning, only two cars in the whole lot. I was so eager to get on that bike. "Let's go Scotty! I want to start NOW." "Hold on there champ, you're missing your helmet." I scrambled to put the helmet on so fast I actually managed to put it on backwards. Once rearranged, my uncle finally let me sit on the bike for the first time. Much like to the experience of being in an army, I had no idea what to expect. I climbed on and began to peddle. Boom. Down went me, with a fresh scrape on my knee. I wouldn't quit though, with my uncle holding the seat in the back I tried again and again. A few more nasty scrapes later, I rode all by myself. Without falling, more specifically. I just put my feet on the pedals, and pushed forward. It's what I'd been doing for hours before, but something about this time was different. I didn't wobble, or fall, I just rode. I remember riding the whole perimeter of that parking lot. It was one of those memories you can still feel years later. I was completely independent on that bike, nobody to hold the seat or push me ahead. It was all me. My mom told me it took hours to get me off that bike afterwards. I was glued to the seat, and extremely happy about it. The plane ride over was a little uneasy. The flight attendants kept offering me drinks but I felt that if I had consumed even a drop I would puke. There was a perfectly pleasant elderly woman sitting to my right, and to my left a guy who seemed about my age. "So where are you headed honey?" asked the elderly woman "Isn't this the plane going to Atlanta..." I almost had a slight panic attack at the thought I had boarded the wrong air craft "Oh I know that, I meant what are you going to be doing there? Flying home to a pretty wife?" This had always come up, nobody seemed to just automatically assume that I was gay. "No, I'm actually headed to training camp. I'm enlisted in the U.S army." "That's wonderful. What made you want to join? You know my husband fought in World War Two." "I think the bottom line reason is I wanted to help people, and this is the only way I could think that would really make a difference." The gentlemen sitting next to me finally looked up from his iphone, "You think you're helping people by fighting in wars? You've got a messed up idea of help man." I was shocked at this comment, not once had I gotten any feedback so negative when I told people I was joining the army. It didn't seem like he was trying to hurt my feelings or start any fights, I was kind of interested in what he meant. "I'm not saying I'm pro war, I'm saying if it's the only way to protect our country, I'll do whatever it takes." I shortly responded "I'm not judging you, just speaking from the perspective of a peace activist." The conversation ended there. I hadn't really wanted to start a whole political battle with this guy, especially since it was a fight I'd probably lose. I mean how could I sincerely argue that war is the answer? The rest of the flight was taken in almost entire silence. The four hour flight had gone by rather quickly after the strange encounter with my new hippie tree hugging friend. I landed at the base station around early afternoon, it was crowded. In a way it brought me back to summer camp, so many years ago. There were people carrying luggage bags everywhere who all looked a little confused. Everyone trying to get to know one another without seeming too obvious. It was more crowded than I expected really, there were men and women of all ages too. For some reason I expected there only to be young men and women, you know around my age. But the range there seemed to go up to people in their 50's. I suppose some of them were the trainers instead of a trainee, but it still was surprising all the same. They looked bright and helpful, much to my surprise. I suddenly felt extremely self conscious, I didn't really know anyone, or where to go or who to talk to. I hoped I wasn't the only one who felt incredibly lost. It seemed like I was just walking around in circles waiting for someone to tell me where to go, or what to do. It was getting a bit repetitive however and my impatience was growing as fast as the crowds of people. And just then, I heard a low even voice over the loudspeaker, "People, welcome to the U.S Army's Base One training facility, in the next 10 weeks you will fully transform from civilians, to soldiers. Look around you, these people are now your family. Protect them, support them, and push them. Now everyone report to unit four for orientation." A brief silence overtook the campus, and for a second everyone just stood there. It was as if we were all waiting for someone to hold our hand and guide us directly there, but that wasn't the case at all. The truth of the situation was, we were all new, and we were all scared. It would have to be just like the man on the loudspeaker had explained, we were all a family now. I didn't know it at the time but the people around me would grow to be the strongest family I'd ever known. "Nice speech, huh?" "What? Oh, yeah just basic first day intro I guess." I had replied before even realizing who I was talking to. After I had said that I turned around to see a tall guy with broad shoulders and a little too much "morning stubble" "So this must be your first day too. My name's Wyatt, want to head over to unit four with me?" "Yeah let's go." I started walking down to campus joined along by Wyatt, and a few more first year trainees to what seemed like the correct direction of unit four. The expressions of the people around me were a mix between skeptical, judgmental and down right confused. At least I wasn't alone on the last one, I think every guy or girl on that campus was feeling a bit doubtful as to why they joined up. As we entered into what seemed like an open lot, I noticed the scene was almost straight out from all those military movies I watched with my grandfather when I was younger. The uniforms really caught my attention first thing, they were all extremely formal. Some matched with award winning badges, others with medals of service or achievement. I wanted to someday be deserving of those medals, and hold the honor and bravery that each one of those men and women obtained. A burley blonde haired man about the size of a tree stood up to the podium at the front of the campus. He looked welcoming, but extremely serious. The devotion he had to the army and this country seemed to be etched into his face. All the previous battles or engagements that we would soon meet in our own time engraved in his skin like tattoos. He gazed out into the crowds, and for the briefest second he met my glance, and began to speak. "Alright everyone, you will return to your sleeping quarters at 10 pm sharp. Your mornings now commence at 6:30, so I would try to go to sleep early. Your room assignments are listed in alphabetical order according to last name. Get acquainted with your room mates and I'll see you all in the dining hall in one hour." I soon figured out that this man was one of the leading generals in the U.S Army. He had served four terms in Afghanistan and had been a part of the military for over 25 years. He appeared to be a man of strict order, and it was fair to say that he had my respect from the first day. We were told that base four is the most common area for large meetings and assemblies, we were to gather there every morning after breakfast to get daily assignments and hear any new important announcements. My shoulder was starting to ache from carrying around my two large duffle bags since this morning, and I was eager to get to my room to drop off my luggage. The bases and housing compartments were organized, in my opinion, similarly to a college. The bases were in general public areas towards the center of the whole campus, and the houses were scattered on the boarders of it. The actual training spaces were organized in different sections of the campus as well. I remember thinking that it was going to be hard to find my way around. Not to mention the growling in my stomach wasn't getting any quieter. To a much higher degree, this whole place reminded me much too much like my first day of school. I wasn't too keen on meeting new people, mainly because in the back of my mind I didn't want to get attached to anyone who might end up, well, dead. I noticed Wyatt walking in my direction so I picked up my pace to catch up with him. "Where's your room at?" I asked "I'm in the Buton building number 303. I think it's just over that hill, what about you?" "Buton building, room 308." "Sweet, I'll see you over there." Now, the most commonly assumed lie about gay guys is that they are trying to get with every man they meet. This is not true. Just like straight guys, we have types. We have standards, and of course we aren't going to just surprise kiss you out of nowhere. It doesn't work like that. But now a days, people tend to judge before they get to know you. So I've kept my sexuality private from most of the people I know. I wasn't even particularly attracted to anyone I'd seen on the base so far. I was trying to lay low for the first couple of days, just establish my place and get comfortable with everything before branching out to meet people. When I got to my room, only one other person was there. I found my new living quarters to be fairly basic. The houses were built like dorms, accustomed to accommodate large quantities of people in very little space. Each room had three bunk beds, a mirror, and dressers. The bathrooms were stationed at the end of each hallway, and there were 6 floors per house. The plaster white bare walls weren't as homey as the flower wallpaper I was used to back home. But this wasn't sleep away camp, we weren't here to get to know each other. We had a mission, a purpose. My first impression of the person already there was he acted pretty reserved. So when he began to introduce himself I was pretty surprised. "Hi, I'm Jackson. Where are you from?" The guy looked to be around my age, he had a buzz cut and a gentle expression on his face "Hey, I'm Lucas, and I'm from Ohio." I said back. It was nice to know at least someone would be friendly "Oh no way, my parents live there. I used to too, until I left for college last year. But now of course I'm here." "That's cool, what made you sign up?" "To be honest I needed the money. I was in college on a basketball scholarship and when that fell through, I couldn't afford it anymore. This way I'd have my education paid for and be helping my country." "I never thought about it from the financial point of view, but that's a good point. Do you think we'll get any more roommates?" "Probably. People are most likely lost or just wondering around." "Yeah, probably." I didn't know what it'd be like living with five other guys, and to think if they found out about me being gay. I would have to keep it hidden, which in all honesty didn't scare me too much. I had been keeping this a secret for the majority of my life. Not even my family knew. Just as I was drifting off into thought, two more guys walked in. "Whaddup, I'm Aiden. This is my brother Collin." A black man who couldn't be more than my height patted the back of the man beside him, who happened to look identical to him. "Twins huh, that'll be interesting." came a voice from the doorway, and just like that another roommate came in. "Yeah, we get that a lot." said Collin, I think. "Nice to meet you all, I'm Peter. I was told to tell you guys that we won't be getting a sixth roommate, there was a housing confusion and this is all there is." said Peter, the handsomest of them all, in my opinion "Oh sweet, I guess we've got an extra bed then." said Jackson I surveyed the room for a few moments, everyone seemed rather friendly. It was only a tad awkward too, I didn't know what to expect out of these men. But like the announcement said, I was stuck with them and they'd eventually become my family. We were all in the same boat here, and I couldn't really jump ship now. The following days were exhausting. At first I thought 10pm curfew was a little harsh, but I soon realized that if every morning began at 6:30, and every day involved hours upon hours of physical training sets 10pm was just right. I was falling asleep easy, the entire campus had lights out at 10, so there wasn't much noise to distract me. Not forgetting the fact that my bones were aching so much sleep was the only way to effectively numb the pain. I hadn't realized how much staying in shape would have benefitted me. It's too bad gym class in high school hadn't prepared me for this. It was a tough start, but I knew it was essential. Most people go to work and if they aren't in shape, and don't know how to follow orders to the last detail no serious consequences occur afterwards, but for us, somebody could die. It was a life and death job, and if weren't prepared, well, let's just say we have to be prepared. It had been a few weeks before people in my room started opening up. But once they did, the atmosphere at 6:30 am became much softer. People started talking about their lives back home, and their personal traits obviously began to shine through. For instance, I now knew Jackson had a pet parrot for the past six years. Her name was Lucy, and she was born deaf. Aiden and Collin were actually just the opposite of one another. Aiden was a vegetarian since he was ten and Collin liked to hunt. Aiden however, was outgoing and liked to joke around all the time, especially at breakfast. Collin was friendly too, but he was much more reserved, and preferred to keep to himself more. Although they were identical, it was easy to distinguish them just by their personas. Peter was the oldest of the group, he had enlisted when his wife became pregnant and they needed the money. I was the youngest, straight out from high school. It surprised me just how much you could learn about someone just by living with them. Even more so when you're with them twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. We brushed our teeth together, ate together, trained together, and fell asleep in the same room. It was a nice feeling to be in such a family environment, living with just my mom got lonely sometimes. She worked late at least three times a week, which I didn't blame her for of course. I just spent a lot of time by myself, or at Jen's house. I was always welcome there. But here it felt like one big family, it was weird how it had become of that. When I first heard the announcement the first day I thought, don't get used to anyone being around. No use in that. "Everyone, report to base four immediately following dinner this evening. It has been six months we've trained you, now it is time." The echoing voice clung to the hearts of every single person there. "It is time." Couldn't they have said it in a less intimidating manner? Dinner that night was tense. Everyone in the dining room was quiet, focused on their own meal and their own thoughts. Suddenly all the exercises and reenactment practices seemed far off. I wasn't ready to go to war, it had only been six months. Yes, six months of straight combat and work. But still, what were these people thinking? We aren't ready. "Stop thinking about it, you're just going to draw up some insane scenario that probably will never happen and freak yourself out." Jackson said "What? I'm not thinking about-" "Yes you are, don't lie to me." "Fine, how can I not though? I'm nineteen and about to fight in a war." "You knew the deal when you signed up. What did you expect? You've trained for this, they wouldn't send us out there if they didn't think we were ready." "I'm not so sure about that last one. They'll probably put us as bait or something. Just to be used." "I thought I just told you not to dream up some insane situations. That applies." "Okay okay, I'm just a little nervous." "I'd say more than a little, but it's fine. That's natural. I'm not telling you not to be nervous, I'm just telling you to not over think anything. Worrying is a waste of energy, and it doesn't stop death, just life." "Where'd you get that one hm? Back of a cereal box?" "Close, but I never reveal my sources." Jackson gave me a smile. I felt somewhat reassured now, as much as I could be after all. I accompanied him along with the rest of our roommates to base four. The general was at the front behind the podium, much like he had been the very first day. "I know you're all scared, but we've been training you for exactly this purpose. It's time to serve your country the best way you know how. In three days you'll be deployed from this station to Afghanistan. The soldiers already there need help, and we can send them more numbers, which are you guys, to do whatever you can. You'll be there to do your duty. The generals there have served this country for years, and know what war is like. Respect them without fail, for they won't fail you." I didn't know how to react. The majority of me was absolutely terrified. I had no idea what to expect there, and there were so many questions that flooded into my mind, most of which the answers didn't exist. I couldn't waste time searching for them though, that wasn't the goal of all the effort I had put in these past months. I had to get over my fears and go with it. The following morning we were directed on what to pack, and where we would be stationed. We learned early on that we'd be staying in the desert, and the climate there was expected to be hot. Hot and dry. It wasn't the most luxurious destination imaginable, but it's not like I expected to be vacationing. We'd be stationed with the same roommates we'd had all six months, which was a strong comfort to me as I didn't want to be thrown into a completely new place with new people as well. Besides, I liked my roommates. They knew me better than most, even in just the few months we'd spent together. It was difficult to imagine what my life would be like there, what a daily schedule would look like and all that. I suppose the only thing left to do now, was wait. Wait for whatever waited for me there. ...

My face was tired and bruised, the candle light illuminated the tent that had become mine, and nine other people's home for the past four months. It had been a solid two weeks since I had wrote anyone back home, I didn't think it'd be a good idea. I feel like if I wrote them they'd be able to tell I had changed, even just by reading a few simple phrases. I almost felt like I was lying to them if I wrote them and pretended to be happy, even if it was only to spare them what had really been going on. I know now there is absolutely nothing beautiful about war. There is nothing mystical or special about war, it's just pain. I've seen some pretty horrific scenes since I've been here, some I can't unseen. They're stitched into my memory and I'll never be able to forget what I've witnessed. I went on and on in my head debating on whether to write Mom, I knew she'd be worrying since she hadn't heard from me. "Luc, what are you doing it's late." called Jackson "I don't know man, I was going to write my mom but now I don't know." I said back "Why not? You gotta write her, imagine if she was at war and she didn't write you." I could see his point. Over these four months I'd become closets to Jackson, maybe it was partially due to the fact that we both originated from the same place. He had been the steadiest of us all for sure, even in the midst of the training and now that we're stationed in Afghanistan. He always kept composure, which I can't deny I leaned on more often than not. The training was more mentally challenging than physical anyway. I think there's a difference between mental and physical being anyway, you can overcome physical much easier than mental. With mental pain, you can't really forget it, or just stop feeling it, but with physical, as soon as you stop doing the activity, the pain subsides. And when you look back at the activity, even if you remember the bad experience, it's not really like you can relive the pain so realistically. I was missing home pretty early on which was hard, and for a few weeks I was seriously contemplating going back. I don't know if they even allow that, but I wasn't in a good place. And the person who helped me out of there was Jackson. He supported me more than the others, he could relate because he had been away from home during college, granted that was much easier to deal with than this. But he had some experience being separated from his family. He had been a good support system throughout the hard days, and I owed him a lot for that. "I know you're right, I just don't know what to say. I don't want to worry her even more by saying what's been going on here. That wouldn't be a very happy letter." "I don't think you need to go into any details. Just tell her how you feel, you miss her and you're excited to see her in a few weeks. Basics." "That's a good idea, I guess I could do that." He patted me on the back and walked out of the tent to get ready for bed. It had been a long day, starting at 5:00, it was now 11:30. We had different missions we had to accomplish every day, and some of them took much longer than others. Today had been one of those days where the mission took a lot of mental strength, along with physical. We were instructed to monitor an elementary school near the capital. There had been many fights that broke out in the past few days and our general wanted to make sure those ended. We arrived at the school at 8am, and by 9 there had already been a fight. It was between two of the older kids, they were fighting over some trinkets they'd stolen the day before. I'm not positive, but I think they were brothers. They were shouting in the quad about who deserved to get them based on who did more work. It escalated into a heated argument soon enough, and they started to get physical. I was instructed to break them up along with another man on the unit, we headed over to the place and tried to break it up by pulling them off of each other. It wasn't easy, even for 13 year olds these kids were strong, and apparently passionate about what they were fighting over. In the middle of it, one of them pulled a knife and stabbed my partner in the leg. He dropped the kid immediately and fell to the ground. It wasn't too deep of a wound, but the knife looked jagged and dirty so we had to leave to seek medical attention right away. I kept thinking to myself, these are just kids They shouldn't be carrying around knives and stabbing people. It's not right. And the worst part was I couldn't do anything about it, I had to get my partner to a doctor. So we just left, and the two kids kept fighting. I couldn't look back without feeling sick. I snapped back into the present, I stared down at my desk and pulled out a piece of blank lined paper and pen from my bag. I stared at the blank page for a while, what should I write? How do I tell my mom that the son she sent off to war, isn't there anymore. That's what it felt like, it felt like I was a completely new person. I didn't know exactly what I would say, or even if I would mention anything of real importance but I began to write. "Hi Mom, sorry I haven't written." I reread the first six words I'd just written and thought, if my mom read those she'd be so pissed. So I crumpled up that piece, and started again. "I know you're worried, you shouldn't be." Those seven words didn't seem any more convincing. I felt like I was lying to her, "you shouldn't worry" actually Mom, you should worry. Things out here are dangerous, I've been put into situations where I didn't think I'd make it out of here alive. That's definitely something to worry about, or how about the fact that I don't feel safe, ever. I haven't been able to sleep for weeks because the sounds of gunshots radiates the campus. There are grenades and bombs being thrown just a few miles from where I live. Thirteen-year old children are carrying around knives, ready and willing to use them. The person you think I am doesn't exist anymore. I've changed, and I know I promised you I wouldn't but I did. And I don't know if I can bring back the person you used to know. That's what I wanted to say, that's what I thought would be completely honest. But of course I couldn't say that, that would break her heart. And I wasn't going to hurt her on behalf of my own feelings. After all, I did sign up for this myself. It was voluntary. And she had been against if from the start, she knew what would happen and against my better judgement, I went anyway. So instead, I put my pride before my heart and I wrote. "Mom, it's been really busy here. I know I haven't written in a while, but it's just because we've had so much to do. Training has really paid off, and I'm even starting to get used to all the microwave food. Although I do miss your cooking more than anything. I don't think I'll have time to write Jen, so please tell her everything is okay and I miss her. I'lll be home for the weekend in about 3 weeks, so that isn't even so bad. I know you're probably worrying about me, but please don't. I don't want you to worry at all. I'll be seeing you soon. Love, Lucas." I found an envelope, addressed the letter and sealed it shut. That night I fell asleep to howling animals, and sounds I couldn't and didn't really want to identify. It was a night just like all the others, lonely. The next morning I woke up, went through all the motions of daily life, and mailed the letter. "Lucas, Jackson, Peter. You all have orders to instruct to base tour nine for daily assignments for the next week. Your current commanding officer is out, and you've been reassigned to General Anders." Base tour nine was already at the far end of the campus, so when we heard we had to report there at 5:30 every morning none of us were particularly happy. Collin and Aiden had been moved previously to another location. We hadn't seem them in a while, but we lived on the policy no news is good news, so we had hoped for the best so far. "I hope we don't have anything too serious today. It's 104 degrees outside, I checked this morning." said Jackson "You're kidding. That's too hot." I said back "At least it isn't a training day, imagine doing outdoor exercises all day in this heat. I'd probably collapse." said Peter I laughed, Peter was always the most, fragile of us all. We think it had to do with the baby back home, he was looking out for her by taking care of himself. "Yeah true, I'm craving a big steak right now too. Maybe with an ice cold coke." I dreamed of real food someday "Hey! What did we say about talking about dream food? Not until 3 days before we have that weekend off." said Jackson Before this we made a pact, that we couldn't talk about food or else it would get too hard to eat the army crap. "Fine fine, sorry I forgot. How much further?" I asked "Twenty miles you bum. Just kidding, it's just behind that tower we'll be there in 3 minutes." said Jackson We stomped up the track in our weighted boots until we reached the right base. "Gentlemen, there have been a group of Afghani radicals that have been placing bombs in busy streets. They've been at this for too long, our job is to first disable the bombs and remove them safely with zero casualties to the public. And second, to identify who these bastards are and take them into containment for questioning. Any questions?" The commander of base tower nine gave us the days assignment. It was tricky business most days, we had trained for the detailed side of war. Not for the emotional side. I don't think we could have realistically been prepared for that, sure people have brought back stories of their experiences there. But hearing a story can't really even come close to comparing to seeing someone explode in front of your eyes. "If we see the people putting the bombs down, should we go after them right away or wait to disable the bombs first?" "Always disable first. We don't want any messy accidents like some cow steps too heavily on the ground and causes an explosion." "Alright, we'll report to the location directly from here commander." said Jackson "Correct you will soldier. Come back here at the end of the day to report back." "We will." said Jackson "Very well. You're all dismissed." The commander gave us a short solute and left to assign other missions to the groups of soldiers around us. We met for a few minutes to collect the right maps needed to find the major targets the radicals were attacking. Then, we set off. Jackson was the leader of our group, he knew the most about disabling bombs and could do it without shaking hands as well. I always admired him for his stability, I often wondered if I ever had a chance. But this was Afghanistan, this was the U.S army, and I didn't want to risk anything by exposing myself. We all packed in the jeep like any other day and appointed a navigator. We worked together like a well oiled machine, that's what you had to do here. No personal business, it could interfere with someone's safety, or the mission. The wind was blowing sand everywhere which made it hard to drive. I couldn't see through the thick wall of dust that covered the windshield. I was used to it though, most days it was windy in the afternoons and fairly chilly at night. The base gave us clear directions and it only took thirty-five minutes to arrive at our destination. The commander was right, the street was busy, there were families in the market buying groceries and male salesmen everywhere trying to bargain with costumers. There were also boys, probably around the age of ten or eleven who ran around carrying dvds yelling. "Hello sir, would you like to buy a dvd?!" Their english was better than most. There were large brown cows lining the fields near by and chickens scurrying everywhere in the town. There were also some accompanied crows searching the ground for dropped food or even a dead mouse. We could see a group of men probably in their thirties that looked like they were planning something. Lying next to them were black bags that looked heavy. We thought this was our best bet, so we headed over. "Do you speak english?" I yelled "Yeah jackass. We kind of had to learn when you americans came into our home." answered one of them "Calm down, we don't want any trouble. What's in the bag?" I asked "None of your business, if you have a problem you can shove it." the accent of the man was strong, but his voice was booming and it was audible enough so I could understand what he was saying "Me and my team over here are going to need to check it out. Won't take long, if there's nothing to hide, there won't be any problem." "Piss off. Let's go." said the same man, he motioned to his friends to head out and grab the bags. I could tell he was getting more nervous. His eyes quickly darted back and forth between me and the bags. "Hold on there, I told you we're going to need to see what you've got there." And just like that the ten or so men grabbed the bags and started to run. We ran after them, and even though we were significantly out numbered they were at a carrying probably forty pound bags. And we were trained to run with our gear. "Stop now, or we'll have to shoot." warned Peter We could hear the man who spoke english instructing his men to keep going. "We have instructions to shoot if you do not obey orders. Stop!" a tired Peter yelled again The men continued to run, so Jackson opened fire. He hit the first man straight in the back. A scream of pain was released upon impact and he fell to the ground, dropping the bag with him. The rest continued to run so we were forced to shoot again. It seemed a crime to shoot, to hurt people. But these were orders straight from the commander. And we couldn't disobey orders. Three more men fell to the ground, their bags and all their contents spreading out onto the dusty below. We sprinted to where they had fallen, the rest had escaped the bullets and managed to get out of range. We were close to following them but they had a good distance on us now. We chose to stick behind and gather up the ones that had fallen instead of pursuing the ones still able bodied. "Luc, you take the one over there, I'll take this one, and Peter you get the two on the far end." said Jackson I gave a tight nod and bent down to see the man I had shot. He was wearing a long piece of fabric wrapped around his head, covering the majority of his face. I looked at his body, to my surprise it wasn't as full grown as I had anticipated. The body was slender and still, the bullet had hit him square in the chest, my guess is that it hit one of his major organs, therefore killing on impact. I had shot at people before, probably killed them too, but this was the first person I had ever seen die. Strictly, and solely because of me. I kneeled over his torso and gently pulled away the headscarf that concealed his identity. I almost fell back when I saw his face, he couldn't have been older than fifteen. I had just shot a child. His young face was smeared with blood and etched with sadness. "Jackson, this guy's just a kid. He must have been no older than fifteen." I heard my voice quiver as soon as the words came out "Nothing you can do about it now, let's carry the bodies to the truck and come back for the bags." said Jackson "My guy is probably mid-forties, he was carrying a hand grenade in his back pocket. And the other one looks to be around the same age." Peter had tears in his eyes, I imagine this was the first time he had ever seen the faces of the people he killed too. It was almost an injustice to take a life, or lives for the sake of your country. There was this uneasy twist in my center, how could I call myself anything but a murderer? I was just that. I took lives. It was almost like I was scared of myself, of the person I had become. I knew before coming into this that perhaps I would have to shoot in life threatening situations, but this wasn't that at all. I had shot someone because they were running away. I thought to myself, what if every time I ran I had to keep looking over my shoulder to see if a gun was pointed at me. The confusion probably shown through my expression, as Jackson walked over to me and whispered. "It's part of the job, I know that sounds cold but, it's the truth. You can't save them all. Imagine if these guys had blown this whole place, that's probably seventy or eighty more innocent lives that would have been sacrificed. Today was a victory, not a defeat. No matter what you want to tell yourself." I hadn't noticed until I saw my reflection in Jackson's helmet, but I had been crying. The tears blurred my site but my hands were covered in blood so I wasn't able to wash them out. "Come on everyone, let's head to the truck. Carry the bodies fireman style." Peter had called So I put the headscarf back around the lifeless body and picked him up. I cradled him in my arms as if he were a newborn baby, I thought I owed him that much respect and care. The rest of the day followed like in a movie, and I was only a viewer. I was watching my own life, I was watching the routines of my fellow soldiers go through the standard motions of war. If there was such a thing. The nights in the desert came quickly and strong, one minute it was ninety degrees and so hot you didn't have to look closely to see the heat waves radiating from the sand, and the next it was pitch black and down to forty degrees. That night we retired early, we had finished the assigned talk pretty early on in the day so we could return to our quarters and spend some time by ourselves. The rest of the recruits came back just before dinner time when we all gathered in our tents, it was my turn to "cook". Cooking here basically consisted of taking enough bags of army food, hitting them with a rock to cause a chemical reaction that heated the food, and passing around the bags. "How'd your mission go?" asked Collin The twins were reassigned to a different base tower, but we still all lived together. I didn't know how to really answer his question, did we succeed in taking out the bomb threats? Yes. But we killed four people, I don't think I could honestly call that a success. "We did what had to be done is the bottom line." I replied Collin gave me a look like he knew what I meant and went back to his dinner. "I think I'm going to go write Mom and Dad, you want to contribute for once ?" Collin said as he looked over to his brother "You go ahead, I'll write them later in the week." Aiden replied without much expression Collin looked disappointed but left the tent to write his letter. The war had taken it's tole on Aiden's spirit, back at training he had been so lively and full of energy. It didn't seem like anything could hurt him, he was fearless. Now he didn't say too much, and when he did it was to his brother. I noticed he hadn't written his family in a while, but who was I to judge? Neither had I. The tent was just big enough for us not to feel like we were living on top of each other, but it was nice to get some space when needed, so I grabbed a pen and piece of paper and told the guys I'd be back later. I walked around our campus for a few minutes trying to find an isolated enough stop to write this letter. I perched on this rock by one of the houses so there was enough light for me to see. It was pretty scarce, but it would have to do. This letter would be to Jen, it had been about three weeks since I'd written her. I know she was probably having a great time back at college, but she'd still be missing me. "Jen, it's been a while. I hope you aren't partying too hard. Liver cancer is a serious problem Jen! To be honest things are hard here, I've been missing home a lot, but the guys here are really supportive. I might even have met one that could potentially be someone, but don't get your hopes up. I don't even know if he's gay. Anyway, the food still sucks. I've been writing my mom but if you're ever back on vacation or for the weekend, do you mind checking up on her? I'm worried she's going to get lonely. Tell me all about the college life I'm missing out on. Oh, and I saw more cows today. I know how you love those things. See you soon. Love Lucas." I reread the letter a couple of times before heading back to the tent. It seemed to generally cover all the basics, minus the fact that I killed someone today. That's when it hit me. Everything in life is a choice. You choose to get up in the morning, and go to work, in this case for me it's go to war, and you choose every action you take. When bad things happen, you can either choose to focus on them, and analyze them and try and fix every single one, or you can choose to not let it over power you. Today was a rough day that came with a lot of things I wasn't necessarily prepared for, but that is okay. I wasn't going to worry about it any longer, it wasn't something I could change or erase, I could only accept. When I got back to the tent the twins were shouting at each other. "What happened to you? When was the last time you even wrote Mom and Dad!?" shouted Collin "None of your damn business, I'm not going to apologize because I'm independent and don't have to talk to my mommy and daddy every day." snarled Aiden "Shut up, do you not see what's going on right now? We're in the middle of a war! Talking to Mom and Dad is IMPORTANT. Family is IMPORTANT. Who do you think you are?" "I'm exactly who I want to be. You know whether or not to write back home is up to me. You've always thought you were the better son because you stayed in touch, but it doesn't always come down to that. There are other factors that can affect a decision." "Like what? What is so bad about writing a short letter saying you miss them and you're still ALIVE?" "Drop it Collin. I've remained calm until now but you have no right to say anything else." I could tell Collin was about to punch the life out of his twin brother, his temples were rapidly pulsing and his brow was deep and curved. He was moving closer until he was interrupted by a loud stomping that was getting louder. "What the hell is going on here?" demanded the general in an overly used loud voice We all stood silent, Collin retreated from his aggressive position and stood still. He couldn't have chosen a better moment to do so either. The commanding officer that had just entered our tent was intimidating. as an understatement. His broad shoulders and army uniform made him seen much larger than he actually was. Nobody dared made eye contact with our new visitor. It was startling to have him in our messy, unorganized tent. I'm guessing Collin and Aiden were retracing in their heads how loud they had actually been, all the words and misused stabs at each other. "Don't make me repeat myself. What the hell is going on here." scowled the general "Nothing of importance sir. Just a misunderstanding." Jackson was the first to speak "It didn't sound like nothing. It sounded like someone was about to start a physical fight, which would violate our standards of conduct resulting in immediate deportation." the general must have been extremely agitated if he had brought up deportation. You had to do a lot to literally get kicked out of the army. "Really sir, it wasn't anything. It won't happen again either." said Aiden He had spoken for the first time since Collin made the sneer against him not talking to his parents. His voice however, had regained some of the stability it had lost during their fight. And he sounded more confident than he had while he was screaming to his brother. "If it does, I'll know who to contact." said the general, and with that he walked out of our tent "Alright guys let's just head to bed. This isn't going to get us anywhere tonight." Jackson had taken the first initiative to settle things down. The rest quietly fell into his orders and began preparing for the nights sleep. I didn't really know how long the peace would last, but for now we all knew another visit from the general would result in severe consequences, none of which we wanted to risk. The next morning went about like the others. The brothers had fallen back into their normal mundane routines, or as mundane as you can achieve whilst in a war zone. We were briefed with our assignments for the day and didn't think too much about the night before. We weren't there to take sides or judge, simply do our job. We got back to the campus around dinner time, me and Jackson took over the cooking for the evening so the brothers could talk. "I think today went pretty smoothly." I started to say "Yeah, me too. No deaths, no injuries. Just work." said Jackson "Oh, you make it sound so formal and official. I think there's more to it than "just work" Although cooking didn't consist of much, I was taking my time getting all the bags assembled and cooked. I like the alone time with Jackson, it was so rare that we got a moment of peace here, so I was soaking up every moment I could. "Yeah of course it's more than that. But when you think about it, we're just doing our job most days." "An average person's job doesn't typically consist of dodging grenades or hunting down terrorists." "The key word there my friend, is average. None of us are average." "Well, you certainly aren't." I looked away as soon as I said that, in case he could see through my exterior and knew what I really meant "I know, I'm a pretty special guy!" he laughed, it was good he was making light of the comment, however a part of me really wanted him to take it seriously. "That you are Jackson. That you are." I couldn't help but be a little obvious with my intention, even though I didn't know if Jackson was straight or not, I still wanted him to know that I cared for him. He had been really great to have this year. "Thanks man, you are too." He gave me look that lasted just longer than an average one would have. I wish I could have told him how I felt, but it was too risky. I suddenly felt strong resentment for the military, I suppose if it hadn't been for it I'd have never met Jackson in the first place. But at the same time, how cruel was it to let me meet a person so great and not allow me to be honest with them. It was half and half, and in my personal experience those odds never worked out. I lingered back and forth playing with the bags of army crap just reorganizing them to stall for time. I wanted to elongate every moment we had together before we had to return to the chaos of war. "Hey, I don't really want to sound weird, but I just wanted you to know it's been great having you as a friend this year. It's just, it's meant a lot to me." I almost dropped the entire bags when I heard these words coming from Jackson's lips I was caught off guard, I didn't know exactly how to respond. It took a few moments, but I leaned in slightly and said, "It's the same for me too." I didn't know what would happen next, there were so many factors working against us in this minute, but still, I had to take a chance. The one thing I've come to accept from the war is that you've got to make the most of the moments given to you. Before I knew it the hand that was just a moment ago lying alone, was joined by another. Jackson reached out with his hand and gently took mine in his, it was a seemingly small gesture, and it could have been interpreted in a thousand different ways, but I chose to believe it was a sign. So I acted on it. This wasn't my first kiss, but it was the first one where I actually felt something. It was gradual, not one of those intense movie worthy kisses, it had its own quirk that made it special. I could of lived in that moment, just that moment for the rest of my life. Nothing else seemed to exist, and as cliche as it sounds, the rest of the world's problems faded away into the distance. It was just me and Jackson. I didn't have much experience with the whole kissing thing, but I think that was okay, and it seemed to just flow. "Jackson, Lucas, where the hell is my dinner? I could eat forty of these crap bags!" Peter's voice broke the mist that had, just for a few minutes, hidden us away. Our lips parted and the second they did the only thing on my mind was getting them back together. "We should probably get the food to those guys, they'll start acting like hungry lions otherwise." Jackson said with a quaint smile on his face "Agreed. I'll get the bags, you get the silver wear" I replied, I could feel the same smile plastered on my face, something I hadn't been able to genuinely feel for a while now. We carried in the food to the boys and sat down next to each other. There were so many open ends that were just created, but it didn't feel wrong. I liked the feeling he was giving me. "Alright boys, I think it's about time we head to bed. We've got an early morning followed by a long day." Peter announced "Sounds good to me." the twins replied simultaneously In a way I didn't want this day to end, it had been a day of new things. So I grabbed a pen and paper and told them I'd be back in 10. I was going to make this letter short, just a brief hello, hi, I'm still alive type deal. I also had to share what had happened with someone, and since the people here weren't exactly up for talking about this I would have to write home. I started my letter, it was to Jen again, she'd want to know about this. "Jen, how's the partying going? No babies or STD's yet I hope! Haha, thing's are slow here tonight. We've got a big mission ahead of us tomorrow though, we're traveling into a city about an hour from here to complete some orders. they haven't told us much about it yet. But more importantly, one of my roommates, Jackson, he and I kissed tonight. It was surprising, I didn't know what to do but he didn't seem to mind. I expect we have to be really secretive about this. Whatever "this" may turn into. Anyway, I just had to tell you, tell someone. I miss you lots and I've got only a week left on my tour and I'll be home for the weekend. You better be jumping at the airport when I arrive! Love, Luc." I looked at the letter with approval and sealed it up, It felt good to know that in a few days someone other than just me and Jackson would know about us. The next few days followed without much excitement, well, I suppose that's an understatement. Sure a lot was going on, but I was used to all the war business. I hadn't had much time alone with Jackson since the night we kissed so there wasn't a chance to talk to him about it. But a few days later we found ourselves on cooking duty once more, and the kitchen held the perfect location to start the conversation. "Jackson, so how are you doing lately?" It was a little awkward, to be honest. I didn't know how to approach the topic without sounding needy or insecure. "If you wanna talk about that kiss, let's just talk about it. I'll start. I really liked it, and I'd like to do it again sometime." That was blunt. I was extremely grateful at that point for his directness. "Well, I would like to do it again too." I said back with as much confidence as I could fake He grinned, took a step forward and kissed me. It turned out o be even better than I had remembered. We pulled apart for a moment and I asked, "How'd you know?" "Know what?" "Me being gay. I mean, did you ever suspect?" "Sort of. But I didn't want to do something I'd regret. The rules here are so strict and it could have gone so badly if I had been wrong. I had a feeling though." "I'm glad you took the risk." "Hey, tomorrow, I could be blown up by a grenade. What's life without a little risk anyway? A bore. and a waste." I didn't like the thought of him being blown up by anything, it reminded me of why I'd been trying to keep my distance all year. There are no guarantees. And accidents happen, or more appropriately named, bombs explode, guns are fired, and death is inevitable. "You've got a good outlook on life. I wish I could be that positive." "I'm not that positive, I just think, what's the worst that could happen?" He gave me a wink and walked back into the common room with the food. I was leaving for home the next day, and I couldn't have been happier. I needed to clear my head with all that's been going on. I wanted to see my mom, and I wanted to see my friends, and I wanted to be able to sleep through a night without feeling like I was about to be attacked. I following Jackson into the common room with the rest of the food. "Mail's here boys!" said Peter "One for you, two for you, one for you, and wow, Luc, you've got four letters. I wish my family cared about me that much." "Haha they're probably all just from my mom." I replied I took the letters from his hand and sat down with my army crap food and opened the first one. "LUC! You have a boyfriend?! That's AWESOME. I want pictures. And a detailed explanation of what he looks like. How is everything there though? Does anyone else know? I have so many questions, but I won't bombard you right away. I miss you so much! I'll most definitely be meeting you at the airport this weekend. Bring the boy too ;D, we can all go out to dinner or something, Anyway, I'm writing this kind of hurried because my parents are on their way to pick me up and they are almost here. But I hope everything is good there and I'll be seeing you soon. Love you lots! Jen" It was good to hear from back home, and honestly part of me was glad I got the overly enthusiastic response from Jen I had expected. I had thought about taking Jackson to meet my family and people back home, after all we did live in the same town. I would have to talk to him about it at some point. I walked back to the illuminated tent, I could hear the boys rustling around getting ready for bed and the next day. We had started to pack up all the extra sheets and food seeing as we would be leaving in a few days. It was nice to think about coming home again, it had been so long since I'd seen my mom. I entered the tent to find a simple serenity that had been lost for so long. I think we were all anticipating going home, to see our families again. I couldn't even imagine what Peter was thinking, he had a baby and a wife waiting for him. I wanted to bring up meeting my friends and family back home to Jackson, not even as anything official, but since we were both going to be in the same place it seemed wrong to not introduce them. "Jackson, can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked "Sure thing, want to take a walk?" "Yeah let's go." We left the tent seemingly undetected and turned the corner around the tent. "So what's up?" Jackson started "Well, I was thinking about how we are going home in a few days and since we both live kind of close. Maybe you would want to meet some of my friends? Nothing serious you know, or official. Just casual, like we could all go out to dinner or something. I don't know it's just a suggestion, don't feel obligated." "That'd be cool man, I want to see my parents and my sister but I think meeting your friends and stuff would be nice. We'll probably be on the same plane flying home so we can talk about it then. We should get back though people might get suspicious." Although I completely understood where he was coming from, I couldn't help but get my ego bruised when he got nervous people would suspect something from our absence. I hated that, I hated that feeling. Once you start liking someone, everything gets more complicated. You start thinking of things that never would of crossed your mind before, I didn't want to feel offended. I wanted to be able to tell everyone that I had found this great guy who knew me better than most of my friends back home. What was wrong about that? What bad could proceed something that felt so right? We headed back to the tent and headed to bed. The next day was our last before break, I was looking forward to a respite from the rest of this madness. The day went by slower than the past four and a half months had. All I could do was sit and wait for the time to pass. We were stationed not too far from base camp and had a simple mission, stop any signs of aggression that were exposed in the market place. We were preventing any citizen casualties that might occur. It dragged on for too long and as the hours passed so did my patience. I wanted to go home, and I wanted to be able to show my affection for Jackson without being punished for it. "Alright everyone, you've served your country strong these past few months and you all deserve a weekend of peace. Figuratively speaking of course, you'll all have a bus waiting for you tomorrow morning at 7am to take you to the airport. Please all enjoy your vacation, and be safe. I'll see you all soon." the general announced this at our standard base four meeting spot once more at the end of the day Following dinner I headed straight to the tent. I wanted to pack up some things for the weekend, even though I knew I would be right back here in about 48 hours. It was nice to think about escaping all this for a bit, and even better when the thought of having Jackson as company came into mind. That night I hadn't expected to be able to sleep with all the anticipation the next morning brought, but as soon as my head hit the rough army cot that I had called bed for the last few months I was sound asleep. I hadn't mentioned bringing Jackson home to meet my family, to my actual family, but I'm sure anyone important to me would be welcomed into the home. Jackson seemed eager to meet them as well, we had talked about it subtly throughout the day about details meeting them, going over people's names and such. It was good to know he was up for meeting everyone, I could understand why he might be cautious. After all, we were quite restricted to our abilities here. Home would be different though. I'd make sure of it. "Hey you, how are you doing this fine morning?" Jackson's face was hovering over mine bright and early. It was finally time to go home! "Much better knowing that I can finally go home today, and that you'll be joining me." That was probably the most genuine thing I've said in weeks. That was another thing about Jackson that I admired, he could always find a way of getting me to see a positive side of a bad situation. "I agree, I can't wait for you to meet my mom. She's also a great cook!" His smiled beamed when he mentioned his mother, I loved when I caught glimpses of his self like that. They weren't broadcasted or paraded around like some people do to show off who they are, he let them reveal themselves in their own time. "That sounds great man, I can't wait. To think we're only a four and a half hour plane ride away." I replied "I know it's crazy. Sometimes I feel like a part of me will be trapped here when we go back." The smile dimmed a bit when he said this "What do you mean?" I asked "Well, we've made our lives here. I've changed for the good and for the bad through these four months. I don't know if I can be my new self back there without leaving a bit of what I've become here." He looked sorrow, I wanted to say something to reassure him but I stumbled on my words "I can relate to that, but just think how good it'll feel to see your family again. You might be surprised at how they can bring you back." I said that partially to reassure Jackson, but mainly to reassure myself. I was feeling the same in a way, there was so much that had impacted who I became during this war. I had my own doubts that my family wouldn't be able to understand, but then again, they were my family and I had to at least give them a chance. I gave him a sincere look and gathered up my things. It was almost time to depart and I wanted to get everything ready. Even if Jackson was right, and I would be forced to leave a bit of myself here, I would make sure it wasn't anything important. My true self, the one my family loves and my friends care about would be taken back no questions. "Good morning soldiers. You'll see your assigned buses are organized by your final locations. I hope you all have a great weekend." said the general "Score! Let's get out of here!" yelled Peter "I've got a baby back home that is probably walking and talking now. I can't miss out on anything else." "Sounds like a plan soldier," said the general, and directed to the rest of us he said "I'll see you all soon." We loaded our bags onto the bus and headed out of the place we now called home. I was tired, and slept for the majority of the hour long ride, it was crowded and noisy but that didn't stop me from snoozing. "Wake up sleepyhead, we're here." Jackson was nudging my side to wake me up We all assembled out of the bus and headed to our separate gates. "Have a good weekend Luc, I'll tell the misses you say hello." Peter was in a good mood, as would anyone who was about to reunited with their wife and new born baby. "Thanks man, you too. Give that baby a kiss from his cool uncle Lucas!" it had already been decided that I was the baby's new uncle "Later guys, I'll see you all soon." Collin and Aiden waved and then walked towards their gate "Well, you ready?" Jackson said "Definitely. We're almost home." I said back I was feeling good, like everything was finally falling into place instead of falling apart. The weight that had been causing my shoulders to ache for the past few months lighted at the image of my white house with the blue shutters. I was eased and comforted by the smell I knew would fill my nostrils as soon as I walked through the door. And still, on top of all that, I had someone to go home with. We walked through the airport and the first thing I remember feeling was AIR CONDITIONING. It was so hot in Afghanistan I barely noticed the heat back here, but man did it feel good to be in cooler temperatures. The airport was bustling but it didn't take long for us to find our gate. We had about an hour and a half until our flight took off so I watched the bags while Jackson picked up some lunch. "What'll it be, dominos pizza or panda express?" he inquired "Panda express, without a doubt. And a large coke." I was hungry. "Right away your highness." I had a moment alone to relax and think about all that had happened. It was refreshing to get that alone time, I had rarely had some recently. Jackson arrived back with the food and I ate immediately. It was so good to have something besides army crap to eat. Even crappy fattening rip off Chinese food tasted like a meal from a four star restaurant. "Hey look, only forty five minutes left till boarding. Any thoughts?" I asked "Just that this Chinese crap is exactly what I needed." Jackson laughed "Good point. I'm glad I made the right choice on our lunch selection." "Absolutely man, way to go!" The sarcasm in his voice was the kindest I had ever heard, everything felt right. It felt safe. The high ceilings and open space of the airport was just the opposite of that confined stuffy tent I had been living in. Even sitting there on one of the thousands of plastic seats was over whelming. I was back to a normal life, I could of been anyone, not just a solider coming from a war. I could be a business man coming home to a family, or a single man going on vacation. The identity of a solider no longer clung to me, it was as if I got a fresh start. No matter what I wanted to convince myself however I couldn't erase the past few months. I was a new person, but still it was nice to have that idea of a fresh start. A new beginning. Then again, I sort of did have that new beginning. With Jackson. With the person I was going to become, from the person I am right now. I didn't know how far me and Jackson would go, but the spirit of adventure had me captivated. I was willing to put myself out there for a person who had proved themselves to have a kind heart, and a brave nature. We borded the plane along with mothers and children and people who had no idea what we had accomplished in the past. They had no idea who we were, and that was good with me. The war taught me that anything could happen at any moment, you have to live day by day or you could miss out on your whole life. I had spent a long time hiding who I was, my sexuality, my secrets, but that period was over. I was striving to be myself in the purest form, and I believe Jackson helped me see that. He taught me that being brave doesn't always have to come along with a gold medal from saving people in the war, that of course had it's own valor and honor, but the type of brave I was seeking came from a much more personal space. I wanted to be brave for myself, and for the future I had with whomever may come into my life. I was going to be brave so that if my son or daughter ever feared something, I could be a role model for them showing that everything would be okay. So I boarded the plane with a mission, to live for the future. "Hello gentlemen, would you like anything to drink?" "Two cokes please ma'am," I said The stewardess handed us two cans of coke with plastic cups filled with ice. I poured the coke into both our glasses and looked at Jackson with compassion. "Here's to the future. No matter what happens." I said We clinked our plastic cups as if they were filled with champagne.