Tylers+Page

** Note from the Author: **

This story is written based on my life during elementary school, which sucked, and I've always wanted a way to express the way that I feel about my experiences and I have finally found a way to do so. Some things are different from my actual experience, such as names or characteristics, though I am trying to keep the overall feel about the same, and some things will remain the same. I hope you enjoy this story as I intend to put my heart and soul into it.

-Tyler


 * Prologue**

Through my life I had been tormented, not physically like a captured spy, but mentally. It had been happening since fourth grade, it ended when I whent to highschool, I am telling the story of my seventh grade year. By this point, it was getting harder to bear, I was sad, angry, and I had but one friend to turn to. I am Sean, I have always strived to be a nice, good person, but at the time, my attempts were all in vain, it was not because I was incapable of being a nice person. Actually it was simply because i dressed and acted differently from the popular kids, and they hated me for it.

** Chapter 1 **

I'm not saying that I hated school, it was the students that I was forced to interact with, and I didn't even hate them, they hated me. It was because I was different and I refused to conform to their fads. I was proud to be different, even if it made me public enemy number one, I was, and still am, Sean, I wear a leather jacket, whatever damn shirt I feel like wearing, chains, studded belt long hair, the works, and I strive to be the nicest person I know, which at that time, amongst the common proletariat of the era, was not hard.

Though I had many chosen differences, I had a few that I did not choose that made life even harder on me. I have several learning and social disabilities, I have attention deficit 'disorder,' which is a handicap in the ways of concentration and simply a different learning style in which I learn by doing, not by hearing or seeing, and a non-verbal learning disability, which makes it hard to decipher peoples facial expressions, making communication harder with people as I could only use the verbal aspects of the conversation to my advantage. I had made great strides over the past few years in learning how to overcome these disorders, though they still made me easier to make fun of by someone with the will to do so. And, excluding my one friend, Eric, that was just about everyone.

I had one more difference from everyone else, and this one tore me to the bone, regardless of whether people used it against me or not, my mother left me and ran away to California, and I couldn't even remember what her face looked like. We stayed in contact from time to time, though it was pointless, she was usually drunk or high, and she always made these promises to come see me on my birthday or on Christmas, though she never actually showed up, and every time I waited until I knew that she had stood me up again, and it felt like someone had ripped my heart out. And of course once those ass holes at the school found out, it simply became another way to torment me, they really had no boundaries, they would without hesitation go below the belt. Anything to make me feel inferior, worthless, and alone. The point of their doing this remains a mystery to me to this day as I never did anything to them to cause them to hate me, they just did.

Anyways you get the basic idea, I was walking to lunch one day in my usual solem mood while in that wretched school. I was walking alone, observing others, walking with their friends, ignoring me as if I didnt exist, but then I hear something behind me, it was Alex Steinburg and his usual group of friends. They were at the top of the food chain, the cool kids to most, devil's to me, I could already tell that there was no way I was going to make it to the cafeteria without them trying to make me feel miserable. I was right, for a few seconds after I thought that I heard some laughter from them and he called out,

"Hey Sean! What's 2+2?" He was referring to math class earlier when I screwed up in front of the class when the teacher called on me. I tried to ignore them, so they walked in front of me as to block my path,

"Hey retard, I was talkin to you, you deaf?" he glared at me,

"No, I just don't want to deal with you today, I'm sick of it. Why can't you guys just leave me alone?" I asked agitatedly, At this his face curled up as if I had just killed his parents.

"Yo Alex you just gonna take that?" Asked one of the kids standing with him, his face turned red, I could see him churning up some horrible hurtful thing to say back to my remark to save his reputation of being the most bad ass, and of course what came out was truely aweful,

"Yo you think that I'm intimidated by the kid with no fucking mother? Just look at him, hes pathetic!" I rolled my eyes, of course he had gone there, anyone with no spine would have to protect this system of barbaric 'pride' that they seemed to follow by saying such an ugly thing,

"Leave her out of this, and now that i think of it, leave me out of it too," I was seriously angry at this point, but I knew that fighting back would just cause more of a problem, so I simply turned and began walking the other way, towards the library,

"Oh yeah thats right run away! I knew he was a wimp, lets go, I'm starving." In a way, I felt bad for him, for a few reasons, one reason was that no one is just mean for no reason, there had to be something that made him so angry. And whatever it was, it must have been aweful, cause he was the meanest son of a bitch I've ever had the mispleasure of meeting. The second thing was simply that he had to be mean to be cool, I would hate that existance, making others feel worthless so I could feel better about myself, thats no way to live in any respect. It was for those reasons that I felt bad for him, but it was more of pity than sympathy that I felt, because I had my problems as well, I just handled them in a way that didnt make others feel as bad as I did. Or worse.

I once again found myself in the library instead of the cafeteria. The library was my safe place, I spent most of my lunches there, I wasn't allowed to eat there, but because of the medication I had to take for ADD I wasn't hungry anyways. I rarely was when the meds were in my system, so it didnt bother me too much. The library was a great place to be alone for a little while, to pretend I was somewhere else, and it was a great place to do what I did best, it was a good place to draw. I didn't see myself as much, but I always knew that I was a good drawer, even in my most self hating attitudes I still knew I could draw, and depending on my mood, my style of drawing would change. When I was happy, I would draw happy pictures, usually of nature or some mystical landscape that I imagined. When I was angry or upset, I would draw sad pictures, pessimistic self portraits, or desolated landscapes that had been corrupted or destroyed. I never drew anything that would get me in trouble, but sad pictures they were never the less. These sad drawings allowed me to get my anger and negative emotions out in a quiet non-confrontational mood.
 * Chapter 2 **

This time I decided to draw a version of a picture I had drawn before of a mountain village, but I was drawing it as if a blight had come over the land, it was hard to get the details exactly the same, but it was slightly easier than if I were making a second draft, because this was a different picture, I changed some of the details, making it easier to draw to proportion. It definetly was a sad picture, the rotting houses, some with caved celings and broken windows, and the snow was a disgusting shade of grey, the trees were dead. It reflected the way that I felt at the moment, and it helped me trap those negative emotions of which I had little desire for inside the pictures, and it was helping me calm down.

When I was just about half way done, I heard someone walking up behind me,

"Hey Sean! What are you up to?" It was Eric, my best and only friend, I turned to him but said nothing,

"You ok Sean? You seem a bit down," I appreciated the fact that someone cared about how I was feeling, lightened my expression, or at least I tried to,

"I just had a run in with Alex and his league of assholes, I swear to god I dont even want them to be nice to me, I just want them to leave me alone you know?" he pulled up a sheet, and eyed the drawing that I had been making,

"I know what you mean, that had to suck," He continued to analyze the picture, I didnt respond. While I was grateful for his sympathy, I knew he couldnt understand what it was like, everyone loved him, he was popular without trying or wanting to be, which isn't a bad thing, rather I was happy for him. One thing I hated though, was how people asked him why he hung out with 'that wierd kid Sean.'

What did I do to make myself a bad person to hang out with? Why did everyone have to hate, and pick on me? Was this ever going to change? Did I hate the people who hated me? Am I contradicting myself if I do? Couldn't everyone just have been nice to each other? These were the questions that were racing through my head one right after another, that was the thing with ADD, I never just had one thought at a time, there were allways so many thoughts going through my head. Sometimes it made things better, but often it only made things worse. I sighed and looked at him and said,

"It realy does Eric, it just does, and I don't know how long I can take this crap." I looked at the drawing I had just made, by this point, the anger had gone, and it had left this wierd feeling, or rather a lack of feeling. I felt numb.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Asked Eric, not knowing of the nothingness that I felt, there was no point in telling him, it would only spark more conversation, which is the opposite of what I wanted right now,

"No don't worry about it I'll be fine," I said, he looked at me in disbelief and said,

"For some reason I really don't believe you, come on you can talk to me man, you know that," I sighed,

"I'm fine, don't worry about it," I said in an obviously aggravated tone, his face tightened. I couldn't figure out what his expression was representing, so I waited for him to say something,

"Ok sorry, just wanted to make sure you were feelin' better," and with that he walked away. I was alone, just what I had wanted from the beginning, but now I felt bad, Eric was only trying to help me feel better, and I shoved him away like he was the person tormenting me. I would make it a point to apologize to him next time I saw him. I again looked at my drawing, I picked up the pencil, and continued to draw.

The lines of the drawing were aggravated and very dark, It was slightly less coherent than the original, the drawing itself looked angry and hurt, it well represented what I was feeling, and my emotions had worked there way through my aggressive pencil strokes and into the drawing. I took the drawing, looked at it one more time, admired the work that went into it, and tore it into five pieces.


 * Chapter 3**

Later that day, when school got out and I was walking home I saw Eric walking towards the library. I walked across the street to walk with him, to get his attention I yelled,

"Hey Eric!" It worked, he looked over and waved and he stopped and said,

"Hey Sean, Whats up, you feeling any better?" He didn't seem at all upset about earlier. He was a very understanding person, all the same, I felt the need to apologize to help clear my mind,

"Yeah a little, I wanted to apologize about earlier, I shouldn't have been short with you, I'm sorry man," He looked at me and smiled, I did understand smiling, it meant he was happy,

"Don't sweat it Sean, you were angry, people say things they dont mean when they are angry or upset," he said, I still felt bad for saying it, but at least I knew that he wasnt upset or angry about it, and that made me feel a little bit better.

"Hey, do you want to come over and watch TV? I bet theres somethin' good on," Sean asked, it felt good to have someone being nice to me, it was somewhat rare for me, Or at least it felt like it, and I really wanted to go, but the rule at my house was to finish all of my homework before I did anything else, so it would have to wait until later when my homework was done so I said,

"Sorry dude, you know the rules at my house, maybe later?" A look of what I think was rememberance or realization came over his face,

"Oh yeah, forgot sorry, yeah sure, just call me when your done with your homework and we will hang out," I smiled,

"Alright cool, see you later," At that he bade me goodbye and we went our separate ways. The school was only a short way from home, so I didn't have to drone over a long walk home and even end up running into Alex or Zander or any of the other kids from the school.

When I got home, I walked into the living room and took off my jacket and set my bag down as I usuall did, and I walked into the kitchen to get something to drink. That was when the phone rang, we had an old home phone because my dad didnt want me having a cell phone yet, which was yet another excuse for the assholes at my school to make fun of me.

I walked over and answered the phone,

"Hello?" I said and waited for a response, which took a second,

"Hey Sean, It's your grandmother, I have some exciting news I wanted to share with you," my eyes lit up, I allways loved talking to my grandma, she was my favorite person ever,

"Ooh, I'm intruigued, what is it?" There was a slight pause, I knew this must be some important news because she seemed to be thinking about how to say what she wanted to express before she said it,

"Well, I was just talking to your mother earlier, and she wanted me to pass on the news, she is moving back here to Massachussetts!" My jaw dropped and my eyes widened,

"Wow really? I'm so happy I get to see her again! I had forgotten what she looked like!" I was so excited, my grandma laughed and said,

"I thought you would be happy to know that, She will be here on saturday to come say hi to you, she tells me shes very excited and can't wait to see you," THere was something amiss in her voice, I couldn't put my finger on it, It's probably nothing I thought so i ignored it,

"I can't wait, I can't believe I finally get to see my mom again! Thanks for tellin' me grandma!" I said, I was so excited,

"Heh, don't go to crazy there, anyways I have to get back to work, I just thought you should know, have a good day sweetheart," she was such a nice person, I was glad it was her to tell me and not my dad, he hated my mom for leaving, so he would have sounded angry. I still didn't understand at that point why she had left, or that she even drank, all I knew was that she was finally coming back, and I couldn't have been happier.


 * Chapter 4**

The next day at school was not any different from any of the other horrific days that I had experienced, the kids were just as savage as usual, maybe more so. But I didnt care, my mom was coming back the next day.

There was one truly painful experience however, and that was just after gym class walking through the hallways, I was walking to the historical building for my next class when someone tripped me and I fell over and everyone laughed. I looked up, it was Alex, and standing with him were Zander and Sarah. My face turned red, I got up and said,

"Ugh you asshole, what the hell was that for?" He stopped laughing and looked very serious,

"What did you just call me?" He didn't intimidate me, so I stood my ground,

"I called you an asshole, now why did you do that?" He seemed to hesitate, I could tell he was avoiding answering the question,

"Why would I tell a disabled kid whose own mother doesn't even care about him?" My eyes filled with rage, not at the mother remark, she was coming back, but at the disabled part, instead of yelling, I thought for a second and said,

"OK, two things, one, I'm not disabled, I'm probably more capable than you, I just learn differently, and two, my mom does care, she's moving back tomarrow" they looked at me and laughed, I wasn't sure why,

"Yeah ok mister 'capable,' you just do what you want," and with that he walked away, it's odd how when bullies are backed into a corner they laugh as if what I had just said was something a disabled person would say and then say something that barely makes sence simply to have the last word as if that makes them victorious in their crusade to make sure the social deformities are put in their place, thats so noble of them. Anyways I didn't let this bother me, I was too excited, so I just put this out of my mind.

School lasted forever as I had a few more encounters like that one, a few during class, in which the teachers tried to stop the situation, but their efforts were largely in vain as they just started waiting until the teacher turned around to do something, and by this point I knew it would only make things worse if I told the teacher. This was because the teacher would tell me to deal with it and stop interrupting class, and the kids would just torment me more, so it didn't seem worth it, I just sat there and tried to ignore it.

"Hey Sean," It was Alex, I knew whatever it was he wanted to tell me or talk about, it couldn't have been good, so I just ignored him,

"Hey Sean, you deaf? I'm talking to you," I glanced at the clock, it was 2:12, eight more minutes of this crap and I was home free,

"Sean! fucking answer me!" I rolled my eyes and said,

"ok look, I'm trying to listen to the teacher, and I allready know your not going to say anything nice-"

"Oh? And how did you know that?" he interjected,

"well, you never have said anything nice to me, why would you start now?" I shot back, It seemed to work, because aside from a bit of grumbling to himself, he seemed to back off, which made those eight minutes much easier to suffer through.

After school I rushed home, both because I didn't want an encounter with Alex or Zander or something, but also I wanted to draw something for my mother for when she got here tomarrow. I quickly finnished my homework and got out my sketch book and pencils,

"What should I draw?" I wondered, I thought about it for a while, and then it hit me,

"I bet she would love a self portrait that she could hang on her wall," I was so happy with my idea, she would love it, I worked practically all night on it, only taking a break to go out to dinner with my dad and my stepmother Trisha. While we were there I decided to bring up my idea to make her a drawing, I was so proud,

"Hey dad, guess what I'm doing?" He looked over,

"Whats that Sean?" I smiled.

"Well since my moms coming back tomarrow, i decided to make a picture for her," He looked at me, he had an odd look on his face, it wasnt happy, I knew that much, but I couldnt figure out what it was, I decided to wait for him to say something, and he did,

"Well, thats a nice thing to do, I wouldn't have done it," That was an odd thing to say, I decided to take him up on it,

"Why not?" He looked almost surprised at my questioning him,

"Well... She, she hurt me, not physically, but mentally," I could tell there was some thing, or possibly multiple things that he wasnt telling me, and I wanted to know more about what was going on, so I inquired further,

"How did she do that? Was it because she left?" I asked, he hesitated for a moment, then he said,

"There are a few more reasons, and I will tell you when you are older, but its not important right now. I want you to enjoy your time with your mother so I am not going to tell you everything yet," that was a very reasonable thing to do when I look back on the situation, I would have probably deterred from wanting to meet her if I had known at the time. The subject was not brought up for the rest of dinner, or at all that night for that matter, but I didnt care, when I got home, I was feeling full and ready to finnish my drawing.

I sat down at my desk and looked at my drawing, I was so happy I could give it to her in person this time, I couldn't wait.

I would like to take a moment and step away from the main story to give a quick history of what happened with my mom before she came back, it's not the most happy story ever, then again, neither is the one that I am writing. There is a very long history with my mother, but I am only going to start off from when she was pregnant with me.
 * Chapter 5**

When she was pregnant, it turns out she had done quite a bit of drinking and some smoking, and that is probably what led to my learning disorders, she only started to admit this very recently as shes not one for accepting guilt. After I was born, she appeared to 'pick up her act,' and she went to college, leaving my dad with all of the childhood care. Then once she graduated, kicked him out of the house, then she made up this convenient little lie, she said that my dad was threatening to kill her, to which she had my grandmother ask him to leave the state. He realized what had happened and would happen if he tried to fight this, so, thinking of me he left willingly.

After this my mom, who then had me all to herself, declared herself a lesbian and got together with this very nice girl named Clara, she was still technically married to my dad at this point, but she did this anyways. There is kind of a blank spot in my memory about much that happened during those few years with my mom and cyndi, all I remember was this one dinner we had when my dad first came back. My dad was so happy to see me, and I had so much to show him, but it just felt uncomfortable whenever him and my mom were in the same room, like there was some kind of tension. I wasnt sure why at the time, though my mom had tried to tell me that my dad was an aweful person, but I had never believed her.

Eventually, probably because of my moms drinking and impulsive lying, Clara left my mom, though she remained an important person in my life. After Clara left was the first time my mom left the state, she completely disapeared, but when she got back, she was in a relationship with a complete mess named Karen, sometime along the way, probably because of this Karen girl, my mom had become addicted to cocaine. I remember this time very well actually, I remember going to her house on the weekends, hoping to have a great time, instead I was neglected, basically me and my mom, and sometimes Karen would walk over to the house, and we would talk. Once we got there however my mom and Karen would set me up with a magazine of some sort, then they imediatly went to bed and slept pretty much until I left.

That lasted for only a few months, Then my mom completely disappeared again, this time when she came back she was still with that awful piece of crap, who was bringing her further and further down in the dumps.This time the mooched off of my grandmother for a short while then they were off again to Florida, this was the longest and most confusing one, the one thats happening during the beginning of this story. She lied to me about most of the things that happened there, though I was told the true details by my father later. While she was there, she and Karen were staying with a friend of hers, Sandra, who from what I understand was also a mess at the time, though she did eventually kick my mom out.

After this my mom, at some point, some how ended up leaving, or had been left by Karen, that part still remains a mystery to this day. Anyways, this was when she began to sort of get her act together, she met a new person named Jerry and gave up cocaine and for a short time alcohol. Then at some point she decided to move back here, this is where my story starts off.


 * Chapter 6**

I was waiting at the bus stop with my grandma for my mom to be dropped off, the anticipation was incredible, I was going to see my mom again, and no one could understand how much that meant to me. I looked up at my grandma who had a look on her face, It was slightly tensed, I wasn't sure what to call the feeling, so I guess she was just excited like me.

"How much longer until my mom gets here do you think?" I asked, she looked at me and thought for a minute, she looked at her watch,

"Well, she was supposed to be here ten minutes ago, thats just like your mother to be this late," she said with a sigh,

"Well, she is still coming isn't she?" She could tell I was nervous,

"Don't worry, she will be here, I honestly cant remember an occasion where your mother wasn't late," I felt a little tension dissipate,

"Thats good," I said with a smile, "I can't wait to see her," my grandma smiled, and continued scanning the road. It wasn't long before we spotted a Black Honda pulling closer towards us, I couldn't see into the passenger seat, so I looked at my grandma, her facial expression had changed. I couldn't tell what her expression was but I was guessing that she was thinking the same thing as me.

The Honda stopped in front of us, the passenger seat was still not in view. I knew that this was the car because the driver was Kerry, a family friend of ours, but I just wanted to see my moms face, I hadn't seen it for years and I wanted to remember. That was what was causing such anxiety in this truely unique moment where a child sees there mother for what seems like the first time, It took forever for her to get out of the car, or at least it felt like it.

I remember well the moment she stepped into view, the moment I saw her face for the first time in literally years. She looked alot like me now that I think about it, I would never have addmitted it at the time though. Her hair was about a medium length, it was a dark red.

She looked around then saw me, she smiled ear to ear and ran towards me, I did the same, it was the happiest moment of my life, I ran up and hugged her,

"Mom! I can't believe it, I missed you so much!" I said, I couldnt see her face because I was hugging her,

"I missed you too Sean, and I am sorry I missed your growing up, things will be different now, I promise," she replied, there was something odd about her voice, but I couldn't figure out what it was, and I didn't care,

"Wheres this Jerry guy?" I asked after a few minutes, she sighed,

"Your dad for some reason didn't want you to meet him first time so hes at the house," I was confused, it seemed obviouse to me why my father had wanted him to stay this time,

"I think it was so I could just spend some time with you one on one, its been years you know," she looked down at me,

"I guess, I don't know your dads kinda wierd sometimes, you know how he is," this was all very wierd, my dad was a nice, understanding person, he wasnt wierd about things like that,

"I guess, hey by the way, I made a drawing for you, I think you might like it, you want to see?" I said hopefully,

"I sure do, why don't you go get it while I speak to your grandmother?" She replied, My face shined with excitement, I ran over to the car and began searching through the back of the car to find the drawing, I found it in about thirty seconds, but I decided to give the adults about five more minutes to talk, after all this also was the first time my grandmother had seen her in years as well.

Once I felt like it was an appropriate time to approach my mother without being rude I grabbed my drawing and ran over and poked my mom on the shoulder, she turned around and smiled,

"Ready to see the picture?" I asked, she looked at me, her face was solem, I could tell that my grandma and her were having a very serious conversation, about what I couldn't imagine, this was happy day. I later found out that my grandma was scolding my mom for leaving and making her swear she wouldnt do anything of that sort again, which I cant say she lived up to,

"Sure, let me see, Is that a self portrait?" I was so happy showing her my work in person finally,

"Yes it is, I worked hard on it, its for you to put on your refrigerator," I said this with a certain pride, and she smiled,

"You bet its going right on there kiddo," I had never been called that before, it was kind of interesting, I was learning about my mom, even the uninportant details such as that entertained me greatly, and I was happy to see her.

One week after my mom got back was scheduled to be the first time that I was going to go over to her house for a visit, and that was on my mind the whole week, which was especailly awful. I had been tormented, got into two arguements with my dad and I was just generally stressed. But on Saturday morning, I was excited to go over to my moms house so I tried to put the week out of my mind.
 * Chapter 7**

When I woke up I jumped out of bed and walked into the kitchen, my dad was making a nice breakfast made up of eggs bacon and hash browns, I looked around and said,

"Good morning dad, breakfast looks good this morning," he looked up smiled and said,

"Thanks Duke, thought you could use a nice breakfast after the week you just had, help get you ready for the big day," he was right, I could use a nice breakfast at that particular moment, he always knew good food would help cheer me up, and since he was a good cook, I was in luck.

"Hey dad," I said watching him cook, "yes?" He replied, not looking up, "When am I heading off to my mothers?" He kept cooking, but he was silent for a second, but then he said,

"No offence, but I really dont want to talk about your mom, please ask your grandmother instead," he sighed, I furrowed my brow,

"Dad, why do you hate my mom so much?" I asked, allready aware of the answer,

"Its not that I hate her, I will tell you when your older," he said almost as if acting out a play he had done a thousand times, It was no use argueing, I just wish he could have told me then, I was perfectly capable of understanding what was going on, and it would help me understand a few things, and to learn not to expect things from my mother, not to too easily accept that she was over her bad behaviors. It would have made so many things so much easier to take, but he thought that that was what was best, so thats what happened at the time,

"Ok, I guess I will go call my grandma," I said somewhat solemly,

"You ok?" asked my dad, no I wasnt but i did not want a discussion at the moment, so instead I told him,

"Yeah, dont worry about me, I will be right back," I said this as I left the kitchen, I walked into living room and picked up the phone, I dialed my grandmothers number and listened to the ringer, on the third ring she picked up,

"Hello?" Asked my grandma over the phone,

"Hey grandma, I was wondering when I was to go over to my mothers house, do you know?" There was a moment of silence, but then she broke it by saying,

"Yes I do, your going over at twelve, didnt your dad know that?" I thought about how to respond,

"Well, uh, Im not sure exactly, when I asked he seemed to get upset and told me to talk to you," I finally said, I was not very good with phone conversations so often there are long awkward pauses between anyone speaking, usually because I leave out important information or something like that,

"Sounds like your dad, I dont suppose he told you why hes sore about the subject?" She asked, it almost startled me, I had started to space out a little, It was hard for me to concentrate sometimes, it comes with ADD,

"Hello?" I heard over the phone, I snapped back to reality,

"Uh, oh right, no he didnt, do you know why?" I asked,

"Well I do, but if your father doesn't want you to know yet I am going to respect that and not tell you yet," I rolled my eyes, I just wished someone would tell me what was going on, but all I said was,

"Ok, thats fair-" before my dad interupted,

"Hey Sean! Breakfasts ready, wash up!" I turned to the kitchen and yelled,

"Alright dad be right there! Ok breakfast is just about ready, I gotta go, I will see you later Grandma!" My speech was oozing with anticipation, I couldn't wait to eat, and my grandma definatly picked up on this because she laughed and said,

"Alright dont let me keep you, enjoy your breakfast sweetie," I hung up and went into the bathroom to wash my hands for breakfast. After that I walked to the kitchen and sat down, the food smelled great, I looked at the clock, it was 10:23 AM, I had plenty of time, so I ate slowly, enjoying every bite, good food was one of the few pleasures that I had at the time so I really enjoyed it. After breakfast, I was feeling reenergized and ready for the day, it was too bad that I was unaware of what was to transpire later that day or I wouldnt have been so excited.

I was to leave at 11:30, my mom was to pick me up and then we would drive to her new appartment. The first problem was derived when she was ten minutes late, I was mildly annoyed because I had been sitting outside in the cold waiting for her since our doorbell was broken, but I wasnt badly irritated. When she fianally pulled up, her attempt to park was monsterous at best, she almost backed into the car behind her and then shot forward almost into the car in front of her, I watched in horror and confusion as she finally seemed to pull to a stop. I walked up to the car and she rolled down the window, she seemed kind of out of it,

"Hey there kiddo, how are you?" she asked, I still had a confused look on my face,

"I'm doing ok, are you ok mom? That was some pretty horrific parking there," I said, she laughed,

"I'm fine, dont wory, hey you coming or not?" she stumbled out, I should probably say that my mom was supposed to have been alcohol free,

"Yeah, hang on a second," I said walking over to the passenger side of the car, I opened the door, and the oder that secreted from the opening of this vehicle she was sitting in was disgusting, it smelled like years of smoking, yet she had only had the car for a about a week. There was also another smell, yet I couldnt put my finger on what it was, in retrospect, I believe the smell was probably some form of alcohol mixed with some kind of food.

"Jeeze thats some smell," I said laughing,

"Yeah sorry about that, I have to clean this car out at some point," she said smiling, I climbed into the passenger seat, trying to ignore the musty smell, I opened my window and leaned out the window a little, the car began to pull forward,

"So how have you been the past couple of years?" I was surprised at the casual way she asked that question, she should know better,

"Well, they've kind of sucked actually, I hate the kids at my school, and you were in California," I said, my tone was slightly irritated,

"Yeah, Im sorry, I would have stayed but I had to go there to get better," She replied, I knew this was bull crap so I said,

"No you didnt, you could have gotten better here too, the location doesn't matter, all that matters is the progress that you make," she sighed,

"No, you just don't understand yet, your too young," she said in an irritated drawn out tone, this was also crap, but I decided to leave it alone,

"Okay, whatever, never mind," I said with mild irritation. There was an awkward silence that insued, but it was soon broken by my mom,

"Just wait until you meet Jerry, hes a really cool guy," she said smiling,

"What is he like?" I asked, trying not to stay irritated by the previous conversation,

"Well, hes kind of spacy, but he is funny, and hes really good at the piano. He is also a very nice and understanding person, Im glad Im with him," she said dreamily,

"That's cool, I can't wait to meet him," I smiled, he did sound pretty cool, way better than Karen anyways,

"Yeah, he will like you I think, anyways were almost here, you can see our house just up the hill behind that apartment complex," She said excitedly, I looked to where she was pointing, I could see part of their house, it wasn't by any means big, but it wasn't bad, a comfortable size. It was white, with a porch balcony on the second floor,

"Not bad, I like it," I said, my mom smiled,

"Thanks, it's a bit messy, but we did just move in," she said,

"Eh, don't worry about it, my room is messy too," I said, she chuckled, we pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car, I stretched and looked around, this the house was two stories, though someone else lived in the bottom half, the parking lot was filled with an assortment of different types of cars, most of them junkers, a few descent cars. This was not the richest area, but it didnt matter to me, my mom was back.

I figured at the time that her initial rudeness and odd happenings were simply because she had just arrived recently, so I dismissed them. I continued to look around, I was having a very ADD moment, I was unable to focus on one thing for an extended period of time, I was perplexed by this new area, everything was new and exciting an-

"Hey Sean! You coming?" She yelled from halfway up the stairs, I snapped to attention,

"Yeah, sorry," I said, I ran to catch up with her, we walked up to the balcony, they had a table and a grill up there, accompanied by a few random boxes that I assumed were there because of my moms moving in. we walked into the house, it was a complete mess, even worse than my room, which was definetly an accomplishment, my room was a complete mess. I didnt say anything however because I didnt want any conflict.

We stepped in and my mom sat down on the bed,

"Hey Jerry! Get in here!" she yelled, I heard some rustling noises in the other room and out came Jerry, he was short and had a beard, his hair was long and uncombed, he looked lke a complete mess,

"Hey Jerry, how are you doing? Im Sean," I said and extended my hand to shake,

"Hey, Im ok how are you doin? Hey Sasha, you ready for a nap? Im beat," I wasnt sure I had heard him right, a nap? It was two in the afternoon, and I had just gotten there,

"Im going to hang out with Sean a little bit first, Ill be there in a little bit," said my mom, what was going on? They must have been still tired from their trip.

"Wait I just got here, why are you taking a nap? Dont you want to hang out?" I said a little bit concerned, my brow furrowed,

"Well yeah, Im going to hang out with you for ten minutes then take a nap, I am very tired," She replied, I was really upset by this,

"Why cant you just wait until i leave to sleep? Im only here for an hour and a half you know," I asked, this seemed pretty reasonable to me, but her plan remained unchanged, she simply said,

"well see, I really need some sleep, I have a headache that could kill a cow," when she said this I frowned, I wondered why I had gone over in the first place if my mom was just going to sleep the whole time.

"Uh, okay I, what do you want to do?" I asked, I had thought there was going to be a plan already in place for what we were going to do,

"Well, I suppose we could, um, hmmm, I don't know what are your interests?" She asked, I was almost shocked that I had to tell my own mother what my interests were, I paused for a moment then said,

"Well, I like to draw, I like music a lot, in fact I love music, I just don't know any instruments, uh, I like history, I like to watch television and play video games, hmmmm, want to watch some television?" I asked, not able to think of anything else,

"We could for a little bit, what shows do you like?" she said,

"Well, Family Guy is pretty good, you want to watch that?" I asked, there was a very awkward feeling looming over us, this conversation was dragging along very slowly, it felt like years were in between the replies that were made. I really just wanted to be able to talk to my mom and not have it feel like it was forced. Another eternity later my mom said,

"Family Guy? Eh, alright sure," She seemed kind of displeased with the choice I had made,

"Well we don't have to watch Family Guy if you don't want to," I said,

"No we can watch it, this visit is about you," she replied, it just felt so awkward,

"Okay, who knows you might like it you know?" I said hoping to lighten the mood. We watched an episode of family guy involving a nuclear holocaust and Twinkies, it was a funny episode, though my mom had been grumbling through it, when it finnished I looked over, she had fallen asleep as did Jerry,

"Hey mom wake up!" I said nudging her a little, she grumbled,

"Come on mom, I'm here to visit you and your sleeping," I said nudging her again,

"Mommy needs her sleep honey, why dont you go check out your new room?" She said, obviously trying to get me to go away,

"Okay, I suppose, but dont you want to check it out with me?" I asked, she grumbled, then Jerry said,

"can you get him to shut up? I need some sleep," At this I frouned, got up and walked towards my room,

"Whatever get your stupid sleep, I guess I'll just be in here for when you decide to visit your son," I said, I walked into my room and closed the door, it was a pretty good size, not that much in it yet though, it had a futon bed, and a small tv at the moment, I was unimpressed, though at the same time, it presented a challenge. A challenge to make this room look nice and more home like. I decided I would bring some stuff from my room to here since my room was way too full anyways. I was going to enjoy this project, and maybe my mom would be awake to help next time.

I sat down on my bed, I still had two hours left here and nothing to do, I looked at the tv, it wasnt hooked up to cable yet and all it had was an old vhs player, there were a few movies next to it, but none of them interested me. Luckily I had brought my Gameboy Advanced, I hadnt used it in a while but I still brought it in car rides in case I got bored. I pulled out the case and put in Super Mario Brothers. I played that for about an hour, but that began to get old, I turned of the Gameboy and walked out into the livingroom which was also my moms bedroom, she was still sound asleep, I decided to leave her alone, I looked over at the phone, maybe I could call my Grandma and she could pick me up now. I decided that was a good idea so I walked over to the phone and dialed her number, it rang 4 times and then I heard someone pick up,

"Hello?" It was my grandma,

"Hey grandma, freakin my moms asleep and wont wake up and hang out with me and I have nothing to do, can you come over and pick me up early?" I asked, she mumbled something to herself,

"sure hon, Im sorry your mom is sleeping through your visit," She finally said, I could sence some frustration in her voice, but not directed towards me, it towards my mother,

"In fact why dont you sleep at my house tonight? I'll make a nice dinner and everything, I know the cats would like to see you again," she said, my face lit up, my grandma was awesome, I loved staying at her house,

"Hell yes I want to stay at your house! Thank you grandma!" I said excitedly, I couldnt wait for her to get here, it was so awkward just sitting there,

"alright sounds good kiddo, I will see you in a bit," she said,

"you too grandma!" I said and hung up the phone, I decided not to wake my mother to let her know, she would most likely not listen, she didnt earlier. So instead I sat on my bed until my grandma arrived, that night I stayed at her house and had a great time, though I still felt bad about earlier, why did my mom not want to hang out with me? It was a question that I pondered the rest of the night and well into the week.


 * Chapter 8**

Three weeks later, after a few more awkward visits with my mom, on a Wednesday, after another awful day at school I was walking home feeling down. I was not happy about much that was happening recently at all plus I was dealing with the same old crap at school as I always had to deal with, at least summer vacation was only a few weeks off, I dont know what I would have done otherwise, I needed a break badly. I was walking at a pretty fast pace, partially because I always did, and also because it was raining. I had always liked rain, especially on my street where there were lots of trees and grass, it looked almost magical, but this time the rain just seemed to be mocking me, trying to pull me down further. I was sad, I had spent so much time thinking about my mom finally coming back, and thinking that she wanted to see me, now that she was back she just seemed to not care that I was there.

I came up to the streetlight that I had to cross to get home, I watched the cars go by waiting for the walk signal deep in thought, when it finally came I didnt even notice until it was almost too late, when I did finally notice I bolted across the street not wanting to wait for the next signal, I turned onto my street and began walking towards my house still thinking heavily about what was happening to me, my dad had told me that my mom did care, she just didnt know how to express it very well. I believed him, but in the back of my mind I just couldnt kick the notion that she really didnt care and it was really bringing me down.

When I got home I saw that we had a voicemail message, I went to check it out, when I picked up the phone the automated voice began to play,

"You have... 1 new message, to listen pres-" I instinctively pressed one, I had heard it so many times I could hear it in my sleep, anyways the message proceeded as followed,

"Hey Sean, its your mom, I know that the past few visits must have been pretty boring for you, so I wanted to make it up to you, why dont you ask your dad if you can have a sleep over here this saturday? I promise I will stay up with you, it will be fun! Anyways gotta run, but remember to ask your father about this idea, hope to see you! Call me back when you can," I half smiled, I was happy my mom was making an effort but I was not sure that this was going to work as well as she thought it would, I was hoping though, and I couldnt wait for my dad to get home from work so I could ask him, the automated voice began again as I had spaced completely from what I was doing,

"You have no new messages, to go to the main menu press 1-" I hung up the phone, automated voices always irritated me, they had no emotion. I wanted to be able to speak back to the person who was speaking to me, but here I am ranting again, after hanging up the phone I walked into my room and tried to focus on my homework, it was especially hard since I had a confusing mix of feelings somewhere between excited and disbelieving. If I had learned one thing about my mom since shes been back, its that she could not keep a promise if her life had depended on it.

I was attempting to do my math, they were word problems, easy enough, though when I was in a mood like the one I was experiencing, I would often lose my place and have to reread the problem about four times before I could even start to answer the question, it took me an hour and a half to complete.

Later when my dad got home, I walked to the kitchen and told him about my mothers proposal,

"Ugh, I dont really like the way your mother has been acting recently, but its up to you, if you feel that it's a good idea and shes not going to disapoint you go ahead, I just want you to realize you cant expect things from your mom, you can hope and wish, but dont expect things. You may end up getting hurt," was my dads response, he was definetly right, but I didn't want to let an opportunity to get to know my mom for real get passed up. So I decided to go anyways,

"I know, but I want to try to create a good relationship between me and my mom, so I am going to say yes to her offer," I said with a strong definition of my plans,

"Ok, I was just warning you, have a good time buddy," he said with a kind of concern that could only come from someone who truly cared. I knew it would be smart to ready myself for the worst, but what was the worst? I havent spent much time with my mother while she was awake, so I just made sure that I was ready for that again. I walked back to my room and got back to my homework. It took me a while to complete as all of this excitement was making it hard for me to concentrate, thoughs were racing through my head at millions of hours per hour, some optomistic positive thoughs, others the exact opposite, completely pessemistic thoughts about how this wasnt going to work and how the visit was going to not work, and how I was going to be disapointed again. I decided to try to push these thoughts from my mind the best way I knew how, I picked up a pencil and a piece of paper and drew, not coherently, I just let my hand fly, and what came out of it was an abstract masterpiece that I decided to hang on my wall, both as kind of a reminder, but also because it was by far the best drawing I had made to date.

Two days later, at around 10 o'clock, I lay down to go to sleep, the next morning I was to be picked up by my mom and driven to her house, my grandma would be standing by to be able to pick me up in case something happened and I no longer wanted to be there. I was having trouble sleeping, I was so anxious, but I couldnt wait to see what would come of this encounter, I was mostly forcing myself to have optomistic thoughts, no reason to be too nervouse, tomarrow could be a turning point,
 * Chapter 9**

"I bet its going to work out, I hope so anyways," I said to myself as I was falling asleep.

The next thing I knew it was morning, and I couldnt wait to get ready to go, she wasnt scheduled to show up for another half hour, so I decided to take a quick shower. When I was done I still had about fifteen minutes, everyone was still sleeping since it was only 9:15 on a saturday so I had the TV to myself for a little while, I sat down and watched an episode of Robot Chicken, a somewhat ridiculous show, but it was exactly 15 minutes long. I wasnt really focusing on the show because I was so excited, but it helped me keep myself somewhat entertained while I waited for her to arrive.

When the episode had ended she still had not shown up, I waited a few more minutes then looked at the clock, 9:43, I knew something was up, I walked into the kitchen and called my moms cell phone, there was no response, I left a message saying,

"Hey mom, I was just wondering where you were, you were supposed to show up..." I looked at my watch, 9:44, "fourteen minutes ago, please call me when you can, thank you," A few more minutes passed, I was starting to get worried, my dad had woken up by this point, he walked out and rubbed his eyes,

"Weren't you supposed to have left by now?" He asked tiredly,

"Yeah, but I have no idea where my mom is, she didn't answer her phone," I said concernedly, my dad sighed and walked into the kitchen and picked up the phone, he dialed her number, a few seconds went by and I could kind of hear my mom saying,

"Hello?" My dad, in an agitated tone said,

"Where are you? you were supposed to be here half an hour ago!" He paused a second so she could talk but broke the silence with,

"No no, dont apologize to me, apologize to Sean, he's been waiting for you since he woke up and your telling me you havent even left yet? Why is that by the way?" My dad was starting to get really irritated, another pause insued then he said,

"You overslept, figures, set an alarm next time, and if I were you I would head out right now, I mean right now- you want to speak to him? One second, Sean, your mom wants to speak to you," He said and held the phone towards me, I walked to the kitchen and took it from him,

"Hello?" I asked as if I didnt know who it was,

"Hey honey, sorry i overslept-"

"Its okay I guess, are you on your way?" I asked hopefully,

"Actually no, I wanted to talk to you about that, is it ok if we rescedule this visit?" When she said this my face turned red, did she seriously just say that?

"Um, no its not, I've been waiting for this day for a while, and I really dont want to wait any longer," I said in a very matter of fact tone, my dad was cursing to himself in the backround,

"Im sorry hon, but I have a headache, and I dont think I would be much fun," What was she saying?

"Mom I have a headache too, this morning has been really irritating, and now your telling me it's all for nothing?!" By this point I was yelling, this was complete bullshit,

"I'm sorry, but I just cant do it-" She started to say but I cut her off,

"Like hell you can't, try to follow through with things that you say your going to do,"

"I wish you could see this situation more rationally then-," Oof that was the wrong thing for her to say,

"Rationally?! What is your problem?" I yelled, my dad told me to give him the phone, I gladly did, I was sick of dealing with this,

"I hope your happy with yourself, your son is unhappy because you cant see him 'because you have a headache,' grow up," he said angrily, she started to yell something but he slammed the phone on the reciever,

"Im sorry that she did that buddy, she was wrong to do that" said my dad,

"I dont care, that was a stupid idea anyways," I said fighting back the tears,

"No it wasnt, your mother just doesnt know how to do things that a normal human could accomplish without effort, she can't realize what shes doing to others when she does things, she only sees herself," Said my dad, I knew he was right, but I couldnt help but feel like it was my fault, I had trusted her when I knew not to, and it ended up not working,

"I know, but I should have known better than to trust her," I said, hanging my head,

"You didn't do anything wrong, its natural for a kid to trust his parents, and it's hard not to, so don't beat yourself up for doing so, this is all on your mom for betraying your trust, not on you for trusting her," he said, I felt a little better,

"Thanks dad, hey dad, after a little bit do you think I can go to my Grandmas instead?" I asked hopefully,

"You would have to call and ask," He said and handed me the phone, there was a small dent in the plastic from when he slammed it, he must have been seriously angry, I was glad that he cared so much, it was good to know that someone out there cared, I sometimes forgot that fact through all this, it even seemed like my mom didnt care, but at the same time at least my dad and grandma did.

I suddenly snapped back to reality, I had spaced out, I looked around, I was standing there with the phone in my hand, my dad had left the room, I shrugged and dialed my grandmothers number, it rang four times then she picked up,

"Hello?" I heard her say over the phone,

"Hey grandma, how are you?" I replied, trying to sound as happy as I could,

"Well hello Sean, I am doing fine, aren't you supposed to be on your way to your mothers house by now?" I knew she could already tell what was going on, even though it was hard for me to read tones of voice,

"My mom stood me up, I was wondering if I could go over to your house instead, I know this happens alot but-"

"Its ok hon, I make sure to try and keep a free schedule when you go over to your mothers, I know how she can be sometimes," she replied, I was happy to hear this as she was often a great person to turn to when she was free,

"Thank you so much grandma, I cant wait to see you," I said happily,

"No problem, I'll be there in about an hour, maybe a little more, is that ok?" It sounded good to me, I could get some quality time with my dad,

"I like it, thanks again, I will see you then," I said,

"Bye honey," She concluded and hung up the phone, I walked into the living room where my father was seated and explained the situation,

"She will be here in an hour dad, do you want to play a video game or something until she gets here?" I asked, he looked up,

"Sure that sounds like it could be fun, is it all set up?" He asked, as sometimes I took the X Box in my room to play, but at the moment it was hooked into the TV and it was all ready for use,

"Yeah, what do you want to play?" I asked, He thought for a minute, I spaced out but was brought back to reality when he said,

"Hmmmm, I'm feeling Halo, what do you think?" What did I think? Halo was my favorite game,

"Sounds good to me, I think its already in there," He smiled,

"Alright turn it on," We played cooperatively through the mains story until my grandma got there, halfway through we began killing each other because, just why not? You respawned immediatly and it was funny, we often did that. When my grandma got here she walked into the living room and wittnessed our vulgar acts of treason and immediatly started laughing, I turned around,

"Hey grandma!" I said, she smiled,

"well I came to pick you up and here I find you two killing each other repeatedly in a video game, I dont understand you men sometimes," she joked, she often liked to make fun of steriotypes, especially when they came true,

"Hello Tabatha," Said my dad jokingly,

"My names Sandra, and you know that," she shot back and smacked him lightly on the head laughing,

"You ready to go kiddo?" she asked,

"Hang on a second," I said and turned to the screen, I killed my dads character one more time and turned back smiling,

"Now I'm ready to go," I said and my grandma laughed, I bade my dad goodbye and turned off the TV and walked down to the car with my grandma, On the drive there we conversed about this and that, though we tried to avoid talking about the situation with my mom, this was going to be just about relaxing and forgetting all about my mom screwing things up.

We enjoyed the car ride, it was a beautiful drive, and we passed a cemetary on the way. We decided to stop and walk around and admire the tombstones and to honor those who had passed away. We did this alot, cemetaries were not scary to me, rather they were relaxing and beautiful, I had drawn a picture of a cemetary once, using darker pen strokes and enphasizing the vines and natural aspects meeting with the stones placed there to commemorate and celebrate the people of the past to create a certain harmony. I tried to portray the same feeling of peace I had walking through cemetaries with my grandma, and I will always cherrish our walks.

"Hey Sean, you almost ready to head out?" Asked my grandma,

"I suppose so, lets go, I'm starved!" I said, my grandma laughed,

"How do you eat so much and still remain so skinny?" She asked, I shrugged, We walked back to the car and continued our drive, we were stuck in traffic for a while, but then we finally arrived there, and when we walked upstairs, my grandma noticed that there was a voicemail that was on the machine. She walked over and listened to it, I sat down and watched, her facial expression began to tense up, I wasnt sure exactly what her face was expressing, but it wasnt positive, I tried to listen to the message from where I was. I couldnt make out anything that was said but it sounded like my moms voice, I started to get a little nervous, why was she calling? Why did it make my grandma unhappy? Did it have to do with me? The thoughts raced and raced, I couldnt focus on one at a time.

Eventually my grandma hung up and I waited patiently to find out what was happening, there was a short pause, but it felt like it was forever. An eternety later she finally said,

"Your mom is in the hospital," She said concernedly,

"What?!" I exclaimed, "what had happened?"

"Well, apparently she was driving... drunk and she hit another car that was going the opposite direction, thats all that they said in the message," I was shocked, driving drunk? Who would do that? Its so stupid! Was she ok? Was the other person ok? Who-

"Well, I suppose we should go and see if shes ok, did you want to come or stay here?" She asked,

"I want to come I guess, not knowing is the worst thing in the world, ugh this was such a good day too!" I said frustratedly,

"I know honey, and Im really sorry this came up, you mother has been very irrispnsible lately, alright, you ready to go?" That was such an odd question, was I ready to go see my mom after she caused an accident because she was drinking? Uh no, I dont think I ever would be ready to go see that, but I knew what she meant,

"Yeah I guess so, lets hope shes ok eh?" I said, trying to lighten the mood, but it was to no avail, there was a concerned angry feeling in the air, and it wasnt going away,

"Yup, allright kiddo, lets go, we dont want to keep her waiting now," She said almost in a normal tone, I was nervous, but I gathered my courage and followed her out to the car, I was not happy about any of this, and my grandma must have noticed because when we got into the car she said,

"I'm sure she's ok hon, don't worry yourself too much now, I am sure that she is fine," she said, then she added,

"And dont worry if she is I will yell at her for a long time for doing this," This was kind of surprising, I had never heard my grandma yell before and I was definatly glad it wasnt going to be at me. We walked down the stairs that connected the elevated second floor of her house to the ground, I looked up the sky had begun to clowd up, I could tell it was going to rain sometime soon, and I thought it was kind of perfect to set the scene in kind of an ironic way, almost like a movie. We got into the car and sat for a second, then my grandma turned the key to the ignition, and we backed out of the driveway. For the first five minutes of the drive there was an awkward silence as we were both deep in thought, by this point it had started to rain,

"How about some Oldies?" Asked my grandma cheerfully, how she was able to keep such a calm composure in a situation as the one we found ourselves in at the moment, I dont know, but she definatly helped keep me from getting to deep into my raging stream of thoughts,

"You know what, I think that would be great, some nice happy music might do me some good," I said and tried to smile, she somehow pulled a perfect smile and switched on the radio and the song "Wipeout Part II" was playing, I knew this song by the drum solo that was in the middle, I had always had an interest in drums, and I hoped to take them up one day,

"Ooh I love this song," said my grandma, I nodded, I actually smiled, I was so glad my grandma was here, it made this horrific scene somewhat brighter, the burden of not knowing was somewhat lightened at least for the moment. I was able to get lost in the music and think about happier things, I was nodding my head to the beat, I always loved listening to the Oldies with my grandma. they werent something I would have listened to otherwise and because of her I was able to experience them, and-

"Were almost there Sean, just about another minute," Said my grandma, I felt a small wave of anxiety come over me, I could see the hospital coming over the hill, as it got closer, my nervousness increased, by this point the song had ended and my grandma had turned off the radio, the silence was unbearable, I wanted to just jump out of the car and fly away and go back to the house, I was about to start freaking out when my grandma patted me on the head, I snapped back to reality. I almost smiled when she did that it was perfect timing.

As we pulled into the hospital parking lot, my tension level began to rise a small amount, we parked in the nearest space and got out of the car and began to walk towards the door. It was quiet, dark, and wet in the garage, and the walk felt like it took forever, just passing all of those cars slowly, getting ever closer to our unwanted destination, drawn by curiosity, concern, and anger. It was a tedious heavy walk, one that I hoped to never experience again. We arrived at the door and pushed it slowly open, walking into the dimly lit room that contained the elevators required to enter the hospital. When my grandma pushed the button I was hoping that the elevator would not come right away, but it opened instantly.

The elevator was empty, it was almost intimidating, but we entered anyways. She punched in the room number that we were to go to, and the elevator slowly lurched upwards, we stood in silence on the ride up the elevator, by this point most of the anxiety I had been experiencing had all but turned to anger at this point, I could't believe that my mom would do something so fucking stupid, she put herself and others in danger and the worst came of it, it was bullshit, and even I knew it, I was not going to try to ignore something like this, not like I ignored the beer cans, the fact that she was always sleeping, and that she obviously had not given up drinking. No this was worse, far worse and I was not happy at all.

The doors opened and the bright lights from the hall filled the elevator, before we exited our little prison my grandma turned to me and said, "I know this must be hard for you, I am very proud of you for doing this, just remember, your mothers not this kind of person, shes very sick right now," She said, I looked up,

"I just wish I knew her before she was 'sick,' you know?" I said, the anger towards my mom was seething from my lips as I uttered those words, not only did she not come to visit me, but instead of doing so, she got drunk and caused a car accident. My grandma nodded understanding my anger perfectly and did not question it. We walked up to the secretary who was sitting behind a rounded desk,

"Hello, we are here to see Jessica," my grandma, somehow still remaining calm and polite, she was a wonderful woman, and I had never seen her seriously angry before, and I loved that about her,

"Yes shes in, we will call for you in about 40 minutes maam," said the secretary,

"Why thank you, come on Sean, I could use a nice sit down anyways," said my grandma, we walked over to the two empty seats and sat down, there was a small segment of silence, I looked around the room, it was all white, the latest magazines were stacked neatly in a pile next to us, a reletively boring room, nothing kept my interest for long, I finally decided to break the awkward silence

"So what was my mom like before she was "sick"? I want to know," I asked, I wanted to know the real woman that was my mother was like, not this alcohol driven husk of her previous exisance,

"Well, lets see, she was a very nice woman, though shes always had her quirks, she was always always late to absolutely everything," she said with a reflective smile,

"she never an acception that I can think of. She would always come home with her report cards and complain about the rather shocking amount of tardy marks on her report card, and I always told her that if she just tried a little bit harder, all of those tardy marks would disapear," she said, there was a tear running down her cheek, she brushed it away,

"And she was very intelligent, she loved school, everyone thought that she had a bright future ahead of her. She definetely proved them wrong with a passion, once she got out of school she went no where, but I'm getting side tracked, she was a great student, here you know what? I think I want to tell you the story of her childhood."

My grandma shifted in her chair, probably getting comfortable, she then looked out the window, it was still raining,
 * Chapter 10**

"When your mother was born, I was with a great man, and we were very happy together, we rised your mother together until she was 4, she was so cute back then, just a little midget, she would run around chasng Walter, our dog at the time, and when she finally caught him, she would try to ride him like a horse, boy howdy he hated that, but he knew to put up with it since she was still little bitty," she said with a distant look on her face, I could tell that it must have been hard to remember those days, especially now that my mother was in the hospital,

"You said that you raised her together until she was four, what happened after that?" I asked, she continued to look out the window,

"One day, when he was at work, a storm started. It was a big one too, thunder, lightning, wind, hail, everything to make for a large storm. He decided to drive home early so he could miss the storm hopefully," she paused, as if to ready herself,

"Then on the way home he-, the storm hit while he was on the highway, and he slid off the road and crashed," she said sadly,

"He died?" I asked,

"No he did not, though he hit his head pretty hard, and when the docters examined him, they found he had a version of schizophrenia called scizophreniform. This is a version that you can get from a head injury, it causes you to see and hear things that arent necisarily concieved correctly or they arent there at all," she said,

"But couldnt he still stay with you guys? I mean he didnt have to leave because of that, did he?" I asked,

"Well, not necissarily, though he began to see little Jess as though she was a demon, and he felt he had to leave so that she could be completely safe. It was the hardest thing he ever did, and it wasthe hardest thing I ever et him do, but he felt it needed to be done for the sake of your mother, so I let him do it, he told me before he went, to find find someone else to love and to take care of the family, so I wouldnt have to be alone. He was a great guy, and I will always remember him," she said longingly,

"What happened next?" I asked, she sighed,

"Well about a year after he left I met a mn named Jack, he seemed like a really nice guy at the time, and we needed someone to help support us, so I married him, everything was going fine until about two years after we were married when your mother was seven, that was when Jack began to show his hidden self, the abusive self. He, at the beginning, would often only yell horrible things at both me and your mother. But then later came the threats of violence," when she said this I was shocked,

"He threatened to hurt you and my mother?" I asked,

"Yes he would," she replied,

"But why? Why would you do that to someone that you love? I dont understand it!" I exclaimed,

"Neither do I, I have never, in all of my years, been able to understad why some people feel the urge to hurt the ones that they love rather than enjoying them and being enjoyed by them, that is a virtue, what he did as evil, anyways eventually he did once resort to violence towards me one day, I immediatly set up a marriage counciling session, though back then instead of finding a mutual agreement between the husband and wife, they would try to find out what was wrong with the woman to make the husband act in such a way," she said, with a bit of shame reserved for the humn race,

"Thats so stupid, and it doesnt help anything it just makes the man feel more justified in his actions by putting all the blame on the woman," I said irritably,

"Your right, your a good kid Sean, your hearts in the right place, never let that change. Anyways the therapy changed absolutely nothing, so me and your mother ran away and lived in the mountains for a while, at least while he was still trying to find us, but then he just stopped one day, it was wierd, but we didnt complain, we moved straight to the city and got your mother an education, and she flourished, she had a great time and was doing great. She had a decent amount of friends and was her own person, she always was and I am proud of that," she said graicously,

"I love that, I think everyone should be that lucky," I said, I loved the individuals in the world, the people who dressed who they ere not by whatever the current style was at that time,

"I agree, now when your mother got into highschool it was a different story, she began to slack off big time, thats when she all of a sudden picked up drinking. She was a huge fan of the drink, and she began neglecting her classes and frankly her family as well, she often yelled at me when I asked her to do work and she didnt go to classes. It was a hard time to get through, watching her destroy her future for the sake of good times that could never last, then she did the worst thing that no one could even predict, she dropped out. I was so dissapointed with her, she ended up having to go to the University of Arizona, though that is where she met your dad. From what I understand he was quite the party animal until you were born actually," She said with a laugh,

"Wow, I cant even imagine that, really?" she nodded, "wow thats funny, wll he picked up his act significantly after I was born then," I said, she nodded again,

"Thats exactly what he did, and I was so proud of him for doing so, hes such a good father to you, even if he does get on your nerves, anyways thats about everything, I speculate that your mom started drinking because of her experiences as a child, she had a hard childhood you know," she said, I looked at her, then stared into space,

"I never knew any of that, I can now put her drinking into perspective, though I still dont forgive her, what she did was one of the stupedist things she could have done, and I'm still angry as hell at her, but not like I was before, thank you grandma!" I said somewhat happier,

"No problem hon," she said with a smile, out of the corner I saw the door open, and there stood a nurse holding a clip board,

"Ms. Underwood?" called the nurse, thats us, I thought, and we stood up. I was so nervous I could barely stand, the thoughts began to race trhough my head agin as I walked towards the door, it was really stressful, and I certainly did not want to deal with it, what should I say? Should I be angry? Sad? I was so confused with what to do in a situation in one such as this.

When I made it to the door I looked up at the nurse, she smiled and turned to walk towards the room that must have had my mom inside. It seriously felt like three hours walking down that hallway that was at most a few hundred feet long. An eternety later the nurse turned towards a door labled '32' and opened it. Inside was my mom, it was dark so I could not see her that well yet, I was hesitant to enter the room, but then I saw my grandma walking in and decided that it had to be done. I stepped slowly forward, and thats when I saw her more clearly.

She had a few small cuts on her face, and she was wearing a neck brace. She also had a bandage around her thigh, the blood was already beginning to soak through, I never wanted to see anyone like this, especially my mother,

"Miss, you have some visitors here to see you," said the nurse to my mother, who shifted a bit so she could see us. First she saw my grandma and smiled but she looked down and saw me, she looked shocked for a minute then began to cry heavily, I wasnt sure what to do, I walked over and sat down next to her, I wanted to give her a hug but her neck brace was preventing that, so instead I patted her on the head. She looked up at me and still sobbing smiled,

"Thank you for coming honey, you didnt need to, you know," she said with true heart,

"I know but I wanted to make sure you were okay, and I wanted to try to make you feel a little better," I said with a tear in my eye,

"You are very brave Sean, I am so proud of you, I hope you know that," she said, I looked at her,

"I thought that you didnt like me actually, you always slept through our visits," I said sadly

"I know, I am so sorry, I didnt mean to hurt you like I did, I just didnt see what I was doing," she said, she sounded very sincere, I was about to speak, but my grandma interjected,

"I would like to add, and I know this will be hard to hear, but this was all because of your drinking habbits, the sleeping and the car crash alike," I was glad she was standing up for me, even now in this situation,

"I don-" my mom started to say but she was interrupted,

"Dont act innocent, everyone knows, theres no point in trying to hide it, that was the cause of all of this, and you know that," My grandma was really digging into her

"But I- I- you- your right," she said beginning to tear up, "I was fooling myself into thinking I was in control of my drinking, when it was actually breaking bonds with the ones that I love the most, causing them pain, I cant believe I was so self absorbed I didnt even notice! I don't know what to say," She said, my grandma started to say something, but I cut in, before she could finnish

"If I could say something please, I know what you could do mom, you could change, make amends, stop drinking, and think of the concequences of your actions before you could do them," I said, my mom began to make a rebuttle

"Its not that easy, I wi-" was all she got out before my grandma shot back,

"Yes it is, you just have to put the effort in, you can make things right," she said, and she was right, and my mom knew it,

"you- your right, I will get better, I will make things right, I can do it!" she said, we all smiled, we had finally gotten through to her, it just took a large traumatic event and alot of courage and patients to succeed. I went to bed a happy kid that night, and the bullies didnt get to me at all the next day, and they knew it, I was genuinly happy for the first time in months, and there was nothing any of those assholes could do about it.

After my mom recovered, she checked herself into the Alcoholics Annonymous organization or AA, and she struggled for a number of months before she finally made the commitment to change. Eventually Jerry joined the organization as well, and had a bit of a harder time, though he eventually achieved sobriety as well.
 * Epilogue**